I've been thinking about some things lately. It's only been two months since Dan moved but I'm having a hard time being by myself. And I know it would be unhealthy for me to be in a relationships and I wouldn't be any happier, but I would have a distraction from working on my own problems. Here are somethings I've realized as a result of some conversations with people I trust and people who have been through similar life situations as I have.
-I create crisis for myself. I have a hard time being satisfied when things are going well so I freak out.
-Being with someone and being more concerned about them instead of myself is familiar so it is more comfortable than trying to deal with my shit.
-Since I have been in one serious relationship or another since I was 16, I don't know how to feel without responding to someone else. It sounds silly, but sometimes I just don't know how to feel because I don't have someone else to react to. You would think it wouldn't be that hard to know your own feelings, but it is.
-My 'inner child' (it sounds cheesy I know, but a person who I respect has suggested that I think about this) has some kind of fear about being alone and that is why I need to have someone around me, even if it's just a warm body.
-I think my anxiety and dislike of people (crowds, not individuals) has something to do with my depression and my inner child.
-Even though I have a crush on someone, I know it would be a really bad idea to pursue that person and I need to be able to articulate that in case this person, or anybody for that matter, expresses interest in me.
-I do not need to go to New York to visit Dan this summer.
-I am ok with the fact that I don't want to teach right now. I have the rest of my life to teach, just like I have the rest of my life to get married, I don't need to rush into it now just because that's what most people my age are doing.
-I'm focusing on one day at a time. Sometimes thinking about a week in the future is overwhelming, so I'm only going to concentrate on what I have to.
-I can't wait to go to Ireland, and if I still don't want to teach when I'm through with my Master's degree, I'll find different intersting jobs to do until I'm ready. If that's 15 years from now, that's fine. It's my life and I have to do what works for me.
-I've become ok with the fact that I can't sit through church right now. I've sat through two home groups and not been depressed to that's a major improvement.
-I have a lot of freedom right now and I'm trying to be content, if not joyful, so that I can enjoy this time period in my life.
-I'm going to get more tattoo in August and I'm so excited.
Well, I've had all these things rolling around in my head and just needed to get them out into a more concrete form so I can think about them in a more orderly fashion.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
5 more days
AUGH!!! Only five more days of school left and I'll be finished with classes. I have a bunch of stuff do which only makes me want to work less. Just five more days, just five more days....
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
wonderful song
She
words: Bergquist/Detweiler
music: Bergquist
recording: OHIO
artist: Over the Rhine
What she would like to do
Is get you out of her head
She's tried every trick
She's so sick of thinking about it
What's so special about you
You're an ache she's learned to crave
You're a blade too dull to raise
But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife
What she would love to do
Is get you out of her bed
She's played it over and over and over
In her head
But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife
She clings to what's familiar
She thinks a change would kill her
What she ought to do
Is put a gun to your head
For all the things you said and did
But what she will not do
Is let you go before you're gone
It's everything that's ever been wrong
But it's all she's ever known
So she cuts herself on you every night
She's just dyin' to lay down her life
I like the way this song shows the cycle of continuing to do things even though they hurt us. This line is my favorite "She clings to what's familiar
She thinks a change would kill her."
words: Bergquist/Detweiler
music: Bergquist
recording: OHIO
artist: Over the Rhine
What she would like to do
Is get you out of her head
She's tried every trick
She's so sick of thinking about it
What's so special about you
You're an ache she's learned to crave
You're a blade too dull to raise
But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife
What she would love to do
Is get you out of her bed
She's played it over and over and over
In her head
But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife
She clings to what's familiar
She thinks a change would kill her
What she ought to do
Is put a gun to your head
For all the things you said and did
But what she will not do
Is let you go before you're gone
It's everything that's ever been wrong
But it's all she's ever known
So she cuts herself on you every night
She's just dyin' to lay down her life
I like the way this song shows the cycle of continuing to do things even though they hurt us. This line is my favorite "She clings to what's familiar
She thinks a change would kill her."
Monday, June 20, 2005
nostalgia
Child: "And God, I would like to be a cat. Could you please turn me into a cat, because I think it would be fun to play and sleep all the time."
Parent: "Honey, if God wanted you to be a cat he would have made you a cat."
Child (indignantly): "But God could change me into a cat if he wanted to."
Parent (patiently): "Yes, but He didn't make you one so I don't think that He's going to turn you into one now."
Child: "But He could if He wanted to!!!"
Parent (exasperated): "You're right. If God wanted to turn you into a cat He could."
such wonderful memeories from my childhood. no, it was not me (I just ate cat food), but i'm not sure if it will embarrass the person so you are left to guess who it was unless that person wants to identify themselves.
this was brought to my mind as i looked at KC lying on the rug in blissful sleep and thought how wonderful it must be to have the most troublesome thing in your life be children who look at you while you're trying to hide under the bed.
Parent: "Honey, if God wanted you to be a cat he would have made you a cat."
Child (indignantly): "But God could change me into a cat if he wanted to."
Parent (patiently): "Yes, but He didn't make you one so I don't think that He's going to turn you into one now."
Child: "But He could if He wanted to!!!"
Parent (exasperated): "You're right. If God wanted to turn you into a cat He could."
such wonderful memeories from my childhood. no, it was not me (I just ate cat food), but i'm not sure if it will embarrass the person so you are left to guess who it was unless that person wants to identify themselves.
this was brought to my mind as i looked at KC lying on the rug in blissful sleep and thought how wonderful it must be to have the most troublesome thing in your life be children who look at you while you're trying to hide under the bed.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
photos and flickr
So now I have a cool link to whatever photos I want to share. Thanks to Sean who told me about Flickr for photo sharing and for emailing me the photos of my purple hair that Kathy took. Hopefully I'll get a digital camera this summer so that I can take and upload my own pics without having to bug someone else to do it.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
certainty
I went by the tattoo shop today because I was bored and I wanted to see when Eric was going to in from New Orleans. Granted I don't have money for more tattoos but I thought I could catch up and run some of my ideas past him. I ended up staying for about an hour and a half talking to Socks, one of the other artists there. When I talk with Eric and Socks I get such of a feeling of certainty from them. Neither of them believe in God, as a result of their own personal searches, and they seem to be very secure in what they believe. I can't remember the last time I was secure in what I believe, what I think, or even who I am. What brings this about? Many times I want to feel that certain about my life, even if it's a false sense of certainty. I can't stand feeling the way I do. Not knowing who I am, daily questioning what I believe or think I might believe, not being sure of much of anything any more. Eric and Socks both love their jobs, know what they think, don't give a shit what others think about them, and enjoy being on the 'fringe' of society. Sometimes I feel like I have dueling personalities because part of me enjoys not fitting in with the status quo. I would like to have the freedom to have tattoos where ever I want, have piercings if I wanted to, color my hair, swear, basically feel that I can be myself. But yet I'm choosing a career where I'm supposed to put forth the image of the social norm. Teachers are supposed to be role models which means, for some reason, that you can't have visible tattoos, etc, etc. I'm having doubts about teaching. I know I'm good at it and I enjoy it most of the time, but I don't want to do it right now. I want to do something different. That's a huge reason behind why I'm going to do my graduate work in Ireland. I'm not really sure what I want. This is all probably just rambling. But anytime I go to the tattoo shop I leave with something to think about. That's probably a good thing.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
meeting Fanny
Now that I'm not quite as depressed as I was the other night I'll write about meeting Fanny. She is wonderful. She is wonderful for Daniel. They are very similar but not so similar that they will stagnate with each other. She is more outgoing that he is, which is not hard to do. I loved her instantly. She took an immediate liking to the McMains and to our family. It is so bizarre to see Daniel all lovey-dovey with someone. But it is also cool. I'm glad that he has found someone who makes him feel that way. I don't have any profound thoughts except that I love her and welcome her into the family with open arms.
Misc.
I dyed my hair purple. I need to figure out how to post a picture so that others can see the snazziness that is my hair. After the purple fades, which it already is, I'm going to dye it green, then pink, and I haven't decided what will follow. Why you may ask? Because I can. I'm not working this summer and I student teach in the fall. I think it's fun to make easy outward changes. Maybe is a subconcious desire to control change. Since the other stuff I'm going through isn't easy and this is. Or, maybe it's just fun to do.
I'm getting settled in my room. Kathy and I moved my furniture around last night and I think I like the new arrangement better. I have most of my stuff unpacked but there is still quite a bit of organizing and going through papers to do.
I babysat the kids last weekend while Sean and Kathy went on an anniversary trip. It was wonderful. The kids were great. We spent almost all day on Saturday outside. We swam at the house, went to Playscape, and went to the river. Then the kids cleaned the house and did a great job. Abby (8) wanted to make a special lunch for them when they came back on Sunday. There wasn't really anything in the house to make a special lunch with so I suggested making a dessert. I found a recipe for chocolate cookies shaped into X's and O's. She really like that idea so she, with a little assistance, made the cookies. She wanted to have lunch ready for them but we didn't know exactly when they were getting back, so se also made stuff for BLT's so there would be lunch stuff ready whenever they got home. Maggie (4) wanted to give them a present also so she went and made their bed all by herself. The presents went over wonderfully, of course, and Sean and Kathy had a great weekend. (you can read about it here, at Sean's website.)
I also started school this week. I'm taking a science class for education majors, the lab, and classroom management. It's going well so far, just kind of boring. I had forgotten how much I hate summer school. I don't like spending from 10 am till almost 4 pm in class and then having to do my homework the same night. Having classes every other day during the regular semester spoils my procrastinating side. But I don't have any tests in my classroom management class and in the science class we get to use notes for our test.
Well, soon I'm off to float the Guadalupe with Stephanie and friends. She is moving to Dallas soon and we're having a going away party. We're going to be on the river for about 5 hours. I hope I don't roast. Then we're going to eat somewhere in Gruene. It should be fun.
Misc.
I dyed my hair purple. I need to figure out how to post a picture so that others can see the snazziness that is my hair. After the purple fades, which it already is, I'm going to dye it green, then pink, and I haven't decided what will follow. Why you may ask? Because I can. I'm not working this summer and I student teach in the fall. I think it's fun to make easy outward changes. Maybe is a subconcious desire to control change. Since the other stuff I'm going through isn't easy and this is. Or, maybe it's just fun to do.
I'm getting settled in my room. Kathy and I moved my furniture around last night and I think I like the new arrangement better. I have most of my stuff unpacked but there is still quite a bit of organizing and going through papers to do.
I babysat the kids last weekend while Sean and Kathy went on an anniversary trip. It was wonderful. The kids were great. We spent almost all day on Saturday outside. We swam at the house, went to Playscape, and went to the river. Then the kids cleaned the house and did a great job. Abby (8) wanted to make a special lunch for them when they came back on Sunday. There wasn't really anything in the house to make a special lunch with so I suggested making a dessert. I found a recipe for chocolate cookies shaped into X's and O's. She really like that idea so she, with a little assistance, made the cookies. She wanted to have lunch ready for them but we didn't know exactly when they were getting back, so se also made stuff for BLT's so there would be lunch stuff ready whenever they got home. Maggie (4) wanted to give them a present also so she went and made their bed all by herself. The presents went over wonderfully, of course, and Sean and Kathy had a great weekend. (you can read about it here, at Sean's website.)
I also started school this week. I'm taking a science class for education majors, the lab, and classroom management. It's going well so far, just kind of boring. I had forgotten how much I hate summer school. I don't like spending from 10 am till almost 4 pm in class and then having to do my homework the same night. Having classes every other day during the regular semester spoils my procrastinating side. But I don't have any tests in my classroom management class and in the science class we get to use notes for our test.
Well, soon I'm off to float the Guadalupe with Stephanie and friends. She is moving to Dallas soon and we're having a going away party. We're going to be on the river for about 5 hours. I hope I don't roast. Then we're going to eat somewhere in Gruene. It should be fun.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Daniels'
I was going to write a post about how much fun I had when Fanny was in town. About how wonderful she is and how great her and Daniel are together. I was also going to write about my snazzy (thanks Emily for the adjective) purple hair, and the new pink converse shoes that my mom bought me. But I talked to Dan and to Daniel tonight and now I'm just sad. I miss my guys. I want them to come back.
Friday, May 27, 2005
my new place
Well, I have officially moved into the McMains. I spent my first night there on Saturday so I've been there about a week. I love it so far. It's pretty much what I expected. I can talk to Kathy almost any time and the kids want to hang out in my room all the time and play with the cats. Since I know the kids will be in there a lot this summer, I've set up a shelf with all my kids books, coloring books, crayons, markers, magnets to play with on the fridge, and some stuffed animals for them to play with. This way the stuff they play with has a central location so they can easily clean up after themselves.
The cats seem to be adjusting fairly well. Callie tolerates all the kids, even when Maggie (4) piles stuffed animals on top of her. KC is hanging out under the bed hissing at the kids and exploring when the kids aren't around. Callie really wants to go in the other part of the house, but that's not allowed.
The house is getting clean. Daniel is doing a wonderful job. So far he has cleaned the laundry room, kitchen, and bathroom. I really appreciate his willingness to clean so much at the house while I get settled at the McMains. I'm thrilled also because I talked to the landlord today and he said that I don't have to paint back over the kitchen cabinets. I had painted them a golden yellow to go with the sunflower theme in the kitchen. I just have to paint the one wall in my room that I painted light pink. I got a really cheap can of paint and I think I'm going to have to do three coats. Right now I'm letting the second coat dry.
Last night I had a bizarre dream. It involved being in Mexico with my mom, my younger brother, some other female family member, and some random people from church and one of Dan's friends. We were there during some kind of revolution. One group was killing off another group. The group that was getting killed off usually got spotted and shot while they were climbing up places, to put up signs I think. Anyway, the most vivid part of the dream was where there was a bunch of people in a swimming pool. The pool was so crowded that people were basically just standing around in the water. My mom and I were out of the pool. Some people noticed a man coming down out of the sky on the kind of rope that army guys come out of helicopters on. Well, one of the revolutionary guys shot him and he landed in the pool. People scattered and screamed as blood dyed the water red (although I don't remember being able to see the body). At that point I looked at the water, turned around, and threw up. There was another part where one of the people who worked in the hotel we were staying at was going to show us the menu for some food. For some reason we had to climb up on this ladder to get to it. I was terrified that we would be mistaken for some of the revolutionary people and be shot because we were climbing up on a ladder. The hotel worker assured us that we would be ok. I just remembered being so terrified. What a weird dream. I wonder what it stemmed from. I didn't wake up super hot last night, so I don't think that was it.
Well, there's not a whole lot else going on right now. Fanny gets in at 2 pm today and Kathy, Sean, Daniel, Fanny, and I are all going to eat at the Gristmill tonight. This weekend is Sean and Kathy's 10th wedding aniversary but they are going to put off their couple stuff till next weekend. Then Saturday is the party and the madness ensues, at least for Daniel. Updates later after the two hello Fanny, goodbye Daniel parties and my few days in Abilene.
The cats seem to be adjusting fairly well. Callie tolerates all the kids, even when Maggie (4) piles stuffed animals on top of her. KC is hanging out under the bed hissing at the kids and exploring when the kids aren't around. Callie really wants to go in the other part of the house, but that's not allowed.
The house is getting clean. Daniel is doing a wonderful job. So far he has cleaned the laundry room, kitchen, and bathroom. I really appreciate his willingness to clean so much at the house while I get settled at the McMains. I'm thrilled also because I talked to the landlord today and he said that I don't have to paint back over the kitchen cabinets. I had painted them a golden yellow to go with the sunflower theme in the kitchen. I just have to paint the one wall in my room that I painted light pink. I got a really cheap can of paint and I think I'm going to have to do three coats. Right now I'm letting the second coat dry.
Last night I had a bizarre dream. It involved being in Mexico with my mom, my younger brother, some other female family member, and some random people from church and one of Dan's friends. We were there during some kind of revolution. One group was killing off another group. The group that was getting killed off usually got spotted and shot while they were climbing up places, to put up signs I think. Anyway, the most vivid part of the dream was where there was a bunch of people in a swimming pool. The pool was so crowded that people were basically just standing around in the water. My mom and I were out of the pool. Some people noticed a man coming down out of the sky on the kind of rope that army guys come out of helicopters on. Well, one of the revolutionary guys shot him and he landed in the pool. People scattered and screamed as blood dyed the water red (although I don't remember being able to see the body). At that point I looked at the water, turned around, and threw up. There was another part where one of the people who worked in the hotel we were staying at was going to show us the menu for some food. For some reason we had to climb up on this ladder to get to it. I was terrified that we would be mistaken for some of the revolutionary people and be shot because we were climbing up on a ladder. The hotel worker assured us that we would be ok. I just remembered being so terrified. What a weird dream. I wonder what it stemmed from. I didn't wake up super hot last night, so I don't think that was it.
Well, there's not a whole lot else going on right now. Fanny gets in at 2 pm today and Kathy, Sean, Daniel, Fanny, and I are all going to eat at the Gristmill tonight. This weekend is Sean and Kathy's 10th wedding aniversary but they are going to put off their couple stuff till next weekend. Then Saturday is the party and the madness ensues, at least for Daniel. Updates later after the two hello Fanny, goodbye Daniel parties and my few days in Abilene.
Friday, May 20, 2005
recent goings on
It's been awhile since I posted. On the 7th I got really sick. The doctor thinks I picked up a bug in Mexico. I was sick from Saturday the 7th till Friday the 13th. I didn't eat anything during those days either so I lost about 10 pounds. Daniel took wonderful care of me. He took and stayed with me for my two visits to the ER (for IV rehydration and antibiotics), went to the doctor with me, and got me food and prescriptions. What a great brother. My mom came down last weekend just in case I didn't get better. It was nice to have her here even though I was well. This week has been a mad rush to get stuff ready for the move and garage sale. Tomorrow is the garage sale and I'm moving the rest of my stuff tomorrow. Tomorrow night will hopefully be my first night at the McMains. It's all very strange to me. I can't believe Daniel is moving away and I'll be living with a family. It's beginning to hit home though as we go through stuff and make a mound of crap for the garage sale. I can't believe how much unneeded stuff two people can have. I'll post more about my Mexico trip later. Right now I'm listening to Over the Rhine and need to return to pricing dishes. WooHoo!!!
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
San Luis Potosi trip
My trip to Mexico...where to begin. I had a blast. I went to San Luis Potosi (that is the name of the city and the state, it is the capital of the state. ) for the wedding of some friends that I go to church with. (If you go to http://www.maps-of-mexico.com/ and scroll down to the second box that's headed 'Mexico State Maps' you can click on the state of San Luis Potosi and it will bring up a 16 tile more detailed map. If you go to 3 tiles down and 2 over [from the top left], the yellow blob is the city. You can click on the tile for a more detailed map.) There were 25 people on the bus, 8 of us knew the couple through church, the rest was the groom's family. The trip down there wasn't so bad. We left San Antonio at 7:45 on Thursday night. We took a chartered bus, Noreste bus lines. The two bus drivers did not speak a word of English. Anyway, since we left late most people slept the majority of the trip. We stopped in Laredo to change over our money and we stopped about half way in at a rest stop to fill up with gas. The drive from San Antonio to Laredo was 3 hours and the drive from Laredo to San Luis Potosi was 10 hours. We got into the city about 8 am and were thinking that we wouldn't be able to check in to the hotel until the afternoon. Everyone was famished so we stopped at a resturant called Tokyio for breakfast. It's very interesting to not know what you're ordering for breakfast. I knew some of the words for almost every breakfast choice, but not enough to know exactly what it was. Most of what they had was eggs (huevos) which I did not want. I decided to be brave and I ordered the Echiladas Potosinas. They looked like fried tacos with farm cheese (some kind of white cheese, it was good) and some kind of salsa type stuff inside. It was good, but a little greasy because it was fried. The orange juice was the best I've ever tasted. From there we went to the hotel where the manager tried to charge us a higher rate that what he had quoted Sam and Alba (the bride and groom). Sam did his best with his limited Spanish and the managers limited to English to make it clear that they were going to give us the price they were quoted. When Alba got there she put her foot down. They tried to do the same thing when people were paying and checking out on Sunday. But Alba was there and it did not happen. The manager told Sam that it was only 30 pesos ($3) so what was the big deal. I guess he thinks we're rich Americans. We all could have afforded it but it was more the principle of the thing. Well, I have to get ready to go to work. More to come soon.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
must sleep and exciting weekend plans
I just got done hanging out with Steven and Leanette, friends from an old job. It's great to have friends who can force you to socialize so you don't sit at home and get depressed. On the down side it is very late and I don't even know why I'm typing this. I have to be in Austin at 8 am tomorrow for my last day at my internship in the preK class and it's an hour drive. Anyway, I'm going to Mexico this weekend. WooHoo!!! Kathy is whisking me away. Just kidding. A mutual friend of ours is getting married and we're going down for her wedding. I leave tomorrow evening and won't be back until early Monday morning. Anyway, hopefully I will have fun stories when I return. Steven said there's nothing we can do to prevent standing out like a sore thumb while we're down there. The advice I was given: take bottled water, pepto bismol, walk on the side of the sidewalk next to the buildings, don't go anywhere alone (I forgot to ask him if it would be okay if I went to the bathroom in the hotel alone, oh well, I'll chance it), and not to wear tank tops. Must sleep now, regret to follow at 5:30 am. Yuck.
Monday, April 25, 2005
latest news
Well, I've kind of been dreading writing about this. I'm sure I'll start crying, but I need to get it out. Dan left for North Carolina on Wednesday of last week. I had been spending every possible waking moment with him. We (Kathy, Emily, Liam, Maggie, Dan, and I) got to the bus station about 1:15 because he was going to leave on the 1:45 bus. Well, that bus was full so he ended up leaving on the 3:05 bus. We were all sitting outside and I cried a little bit while he was on the phone with Dave, making all the last little things were in order. Kathy and the two younger kids went to Sonic to get Dan a burger and I was trying really hard not to cry. Kathy and the kids left about 2:00 and Liam just started crying. He was so sad. It got me started crying. After they left Dan put his arms around me and just held me while tried to gain my composure, but it wasn't going to happen. He was trying to make me feel better by telling me how much fun I would have living with Kathy. He said that he was sorry that he hadn't been someone that I could talk to easily. I had to go to work so we said our goodbyes. We just stood and held each other for a few minutes. I told him that I loved and he said that he loved me too and he was sorry that he hadn't said it before. I told him that I knew he did. He said that he was really going to miss me. When we stopped hugging I looked at him and he was all teary eyed. I can't believe that he cried. I went off to work and they won't let me drive because I'm too upset. They said they didn't need me that badly and that I should just go home. Well, Dan's bus hadn't left yet so I went back to the bus station. He was suprised to see me but glad that I had come back. I didn't start crying again. The bus came and we hugged again and Dan said 'Let's not cry this time.' So I went to my car and he got on the bus and I'll probably never see him again. I talked to him Friday night and last night. He seems depressed because he doesn't know what to do with his life. I just want him to come back. I miss him so much.
Monday, April 18, 2005
system overload
Last Thursday I had a test that I thought was the next week. Tomorrow I have a portfolio covering an entire semesters worth of intern work. Tuesday I have another test and a slightly less dramatic portfolio. Thursday I have a teaching project due that I haven't even looked at yet. In the meantime I still have to complete hours for my two internships and try to sleep, eat, and go to work. I can't remember the last time I spent this much time on the weekend doing homework. I spent about half of yesterday and all of today working on this portfolio. And to top it all off, Dan is moving on Tuesday. I'm tired and starting to feel depressed. I think that I'll go to sleep now and finish this in the morning. All I have left is a reflection and describing how to set up grade book. Fun wow, man. First, I think I'll have a cigarette. And a word to the wise...procrastinating is a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, idea.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
I have a plan
Well, I have been on the anit-depressant for a little over two weeks now. I'm feeling better on a regular basis. Not a 'shiny happy drugged' better, but an 'I'm able to function' better. The slightest little thing doesn't make me want to cry and when something upsets me I'm actually able to move past it and not be depressed for the rest of the day. I have also come up with a plan. I am going to Ireland for graduate school. There are six schools, all of which offer a masters in elementary education. I'm more excited about the idea of living in Ireland for two years than the idea of getting my masters. I love Ireland and have wanted to live there ever since I visited in high school. The prices at some of the schools are similar to what I'm paying now so I think this is very feasible. Here are links to the universities in case you want to look around.
Trinity College Dublin (which I can't afford, the first year is a little over $15000)
University College Dublin
National University of Ireland, Galway
NUI, Maynooth
University College Cork
University of Limerick
I still have alot of looking around to do to figure out which one is my first choice. But I'm excited about the thought of going. Especially since I have decided I no longer want the goals I used to have right now. I have come to the realization that I'm still very young. I don't want to get married and have kids right now and I'm not ready to teach. I want to experience different things and do stuff that I won't be able to do once I settle down. So, in the fall I'll student teach (my tentative placement is San Marcos, YEAH), in the spring I'll work my butt off, and then hopefully next fall I'll be in Ireland. Did I mention that I'm extremely excited?
Trinity College Dublin (which I can't afford, the first year is a little over $15000)
University College Dublin
National University of Ireland, Galway
NUI, Maynooth
University College Cork
University of Limerick
I still have alot of looking around to do to figure out which one is my first choice. But I'm excited about the thought of going. Especially since I have decided I no longer want the goals I used to have right now. I have come to the realization that I'm still very young. I don't want to get married and have kids right now and I'm not ready to teach. I want to experience different things and do stuff that I won't be able to do once I settle down. So, in the fall I'll student teach (my tentative placement is San Marcos, YEAH), in the spring I'll work my butt off, and then hopefully next fall I'll be in Ireland. Did I mention that I'm extremely excited?
Saturday, April 02, 2005
misc.
On Tuesday I wrote a new post but the computer at school that I was using freaked out and it didn't take. So basically to sum up what I had written...I am now taking Effexor which is an anti-depressant. I have a few problems with it such as I don't want my moods to be fake and I feel like I should be able to work through this stuff myself. But even though it is just everyday stuff that I'm freaking out about, I haven't been able to work through it so maybe I do need the meds.
Yesterday I was actually in a good mood. Dan asked me if it was the meds but I don't think so because as of yesterday I'd only taken three half doses (37.5 mg). I had an easy route at work. I drove PreK kids which meant I had a monitor on my bus and she was fun to talk to. I drove that same route in the afternoon. During the middle of the day when I was doing my internship at Tobias Elem I was kind of annoyed with the kids, but not to the point where I wanted to cry. After my afternoon route I went up to the financial aide office and actually delt with an intelligent, nice, and helpful human being. How refreshing. Then I went and got my tattoo worked on. I still needed another round of ink over the cover-up part. Eric (my tattoo artist) is moving next week to New Orleans. He's going to open up a custom only shop which is super cool. But I'm disappointed because I still want to have more work done. He'll be coming back here every few months though because he has a ton of clients here with big projects going. He took some pictures of my back so that he can be thinking of ways to expand what I have. Getting tattoos and talking and planning with Eric about more always puts me in a good mood. I love tattoos. After that I watched a movie with Kathy and Dan. It was Million Dollar Hotel. Pretty interesting, but then again I think crazy people are fascinating. It was a bit slow at the end and I ended up dozing off (I do that quite a bit at the end of movies that I watch at night). Dan said that I didn't miss any huge details or anything. He and Kathy didn't really care for the movie. The night before we watched Boondock Saints. I thought it was a good movie. Dan and Sean liked it but Kathy didn't care for it. It's pretty violent and she doesn't like violent movies that much.
I'm in a good mood again today but I'm feeling a bit scattered. That usually happens when I have an unstructured day with lots of stuff I need to get done. My main focus is some school projects that I have put off until the last minute. I guess I should go do something productive now.
Yesterday I was actually in a good mood. Dan asked me if it was the meds but I don't think so because as of yesterday I'd only taken three half doses (37.5 mg). I had an easy route at work. I drove PreK kids which meant I had a monitor on my bus and she was fun to talk to. I drove that same route in the afternoon. During the middle of the day when I was doing my internship at Tobias Elem I was kind of annoyed with the kids, but not to the point where I wanted to cry. After my afternoon route I went up to the financial aide office and actually delt with an intelligent, nice, and helpful human being. How refreshing. Then I went and got my tattoo worked on. I still needed another round of ink over the cover-up part. Eric (my tattoo artist) is moving next week to New Orleans. He's going to open up a custom only shop which is super cool. But I'm disappointed because I still want to have more work done. He'll be coming back here every few months though because he has a ton of clients here with big projects going. He took some pictures of my back so that he can be thinking of ways to expand what I have. Getting tattoos and talking and planning with Eric about more always puts me in a good mood. I love tattoos. After that I watched a movie with Kathy and Dan. It was Million Dollar Hotel. Pretty interesting, but then again I think crazy people are fascinating. It was a bit slow at the end and I ended up dozing off (I do that quite a bit at the end of movies that I watch at night). Dan said that I didn't miss any huge details or anything. He and Kathy didn't really care for the movie. The night before we watched Boondock Saints. I thought it was a good movie. Dan and Sean liked it but Kathy didn't care for it. It's pretty violent and she doesn't like violent movies that much.
I'm in a good mood again today but I'm feeling a bit scattered. That usually happens when I have an unstructured day with lots of stuff I need to get done. My main focus is some school projects that I have put off until the last minute. I guess I should go do something productive now.
Monday, March 28, 2005
last couple of weeks
There has been quite a lot going on the last couple of weeks. Two weeks ago was spring break which I enjoyed a great deal. I spent 90% of my time with Dan and I also went to Abilene for a few days where I got to hang out with Heather, Christopher, and mom. Heather and I did some wedding preparations. It was actually kind of fun and not as depressing as I feared it would be. The only thing that was disappointing was that my mom's spring break was the week before so I didn't get to hang out with her a lot. And Christopher and Heather had to work the whole time I was there. I also had a nice dinner with my dad and Jenni.
Over spring break I talked to my mom some about my persisting depression and general feeling of discontent. Some of these feelings are centered around church and teaching Sunday School. She suggested that I step down from teaching Sunday School and even take a break from church for a little while if I need to. I was going to have breakfast with the Children's Director the next week to discuss this, but on Sunday I had a break down. I was sitting in the sanctuary (teaching theatre: we mee on campus), Kathy sits down next to me, asks me something, and I just started to cry. So she grabbed me and we went to El Charro for breakfast tacos. We had to go back to the church so she could get her kids and husband and I needed my car. We went back to the children's area and I ended up talking to the Director then. She was very understanding and not at all upset. She certainly is a mother...she told me that she had a feeling that I was needing a break but was waiting for me to tell her. Sometimes I swear that mothers, mine included, have ESP. So yesterday was my last day to be involved in Sunday School and I haven't decided what I'm going to do about church.
Daniel had a great trip to Canada and loves Fanny more than ever. They are going to get married in August. I'm trying not to hate them. Seriously, I am very happy for them and for Christopher and Heather but since I am selfish it makes me very jealous. But I shouldn't care because Jes and I are going to be cat ladies together, like in the Simpsons. But my mom said that she was going to live in between us and we could take turns taking care of her. So I think a good plan is for Jes and I to alternate days or weeks, one of us caring for my mother while the other stands in the front yard, screaming jibberish, and throwing cats at people. That sounds much easier than putting up with a male.
Last Sunday night my grandpa died. He's been pretty sick for about two years, from the time he had a stroke. He got pnemonia (sp?) and didn't recover. I didn't go to the funeral for a number of reasons. One, I had no relationship with him. The last time I saw him, other than the time he had the stroke, was in high school and I don't remember that visit at all. So the last time I remember visiting with him and my grandma, I was probably in elementary school. Two, my dad did not go to the funeral. He and Jenni had an anniversary trip to Canada planned and their plane left the same day as the funeral. Three, the family dynamic is very tense to begin with and would probably be much more tense because my father was not going and I am not emotionally capapble of dealing with that much stress right now. My mom had offered to pay for me to go and even to go with me if my brothers weren't going. But I felt weird about going in the first place and would have felt even weirder if my mom had paid. She did buy a very nice floral spray with a Grandpa ribbon on it for us. She's so great.
My mom was here over our four day Easter weekend. Friday night my mom, Kathy, and I went out salsa dancing in Austin. We left around nine and it took us until 12:30 to find the club we had originally set out for. But in that time frame we had fun walking up and down sixth street getting a few drinks and trying to find other places to salsa dance. I love Kathy and I love my mom. I can't think of two more wonderful women to spend the evening with. I don't know what I would do without them. We got in at three in the morning so Saturday we slept late and were lazy. Sunday after church my mom, Daniel, Sean, Kathy, Liam, Maggie, and I all went and ate at Los Cucos, a new mexican resturant here in town. I invited Dan but he was asleep. Since I am so wonderful I took him my leftovers. The food was wonderful but I ate way too much. And for the previous 24 hours I had been eating from a new diet, eating according to your blood type. Most of the food I ate on Sunday was not on the list for A blood type. It was a bunch of dairy, carbs, and high acid food like tomato and peppers. I felt kind of queasy during the afternoon but my stomach calmed down after I ate leftover sesame chicken and steamed vegetables. It also could have been since I ate so much at once that my blood sugar shot up and then plummetted. Either way, I'd eat there again, just with a little more moderation.
Another bit of news, I go to the doctor tomorrow about my depression. This is on my mother's advice and the encouragement of Kathy, Jes, and a few other friends. It's just been steadly getting worse since December. Right now I just want to drop out of school. I having trouble doing anything productive which if that doesn't change will make a successful semester difficult to accomplish. I must admit I'm a little afraid of going on medicine. I know it's not supposed to be strong enough to alter your personality, but I'm afraid that it will. Anyway, I'm trying to go through with my school plans as scheduled and not make any major decisions until I'm a bit more rational. If I register now for summer and fall, I can always withdraw if I choose to, but if I don't register and then change my mind, I'm pretty well fucked. So I'm trying to just think about the next week and not much further than that because then I start to freak out.
And last but not least, the date of my guys moving has been pushed back. My brother isn't moving to Canada until June instead of the middle of May. This is basically just for finacial reasons. Dan isn't moving to North Carolina until May. His friend that he's moving out there with screwed him over so it's going to be a little while until he can fix his car. I don't know if he'll still move out there but I know he doesn't want to stay in San Marcos so he'll probably be moving somewhere.
Well, this is getting fairly lengthy and that's the majority of what's been going on in the last couple of weeks.
Over spring break I talked to my mom some about my persisting depression and general feeling of discontent. Some of these feelings are centered around church and teaching Sunday School. She suggested that I step down from teaching Sunday School and even take a break from church for a little while if I need to. I was going to have breakfast with the Children's Director the next week to discuss this, but on Sunday I had a break down. I was sitting in the sanctuary (teaching theatre: we mee on campus), Kathy sits down next to me, asks me something, and I just started to cry. So she grabbed me and we went to El Charro for breakfast tacos. We had to go back to the church so she could get her kids and husband and I needed my car. We went back to the children's area and I ended up talking to the Director then. She was very understanding and not at all upset. She certainly is a mother...she told me that she had a feeling that I was needing a break but was waiting for me to tell her. Sometimes I swear that mothers, mine included, have ESP. So yesterday was my last day to be involved in Sunday School and I haven't decided what I'm going to do about church.
Daniel had a great trip to Canada and loves Fanny more than ever. They are going to get married in August. I'm trying not to hate them. Seriously, I am very happy for them and for Christopher and Heather but since I am selfish it makes me very jealous. But I shouldn't care because Jes and I are going to be cat ladies together, like in the Simpsons. But my mom said that she was going to live in between us and we could take turns taking care of her. So I think a good plan is for Jes and I to alternate days or weeks, one of us caring for my mother while the other stands in the front yard, screaming jibberish, and throwing cats at people. That sounds much easier than putting up with a male.
Last Sunday night my grandpa died. He's been pretty sick for about two years, from the time he had a stroke. He got pnemonia (sp?) and didn't recover. I didn't go to the funeral for a number of reasons. One, I had no relationship with him. The last time I saw him, other than the time he had the stroke, was in high school and I don't remember that visit at all. So the last time I remember visiting with him and my grandma, I was probably in elementary school. Two, my dad did not go to the funeral. He and Jenni had an anniversary trip to Canada planned and their plane left the same day as the funeral. Three, the family dynamic is very tense to begin with and would probably be much more tense because my father was not going and I am not emotionally capapble of dealing with that much stress right now. My mom had offered to pay for me to go and even to go with me if my brothers weren't going. But I felt weird about going in the first place and would have felt even weirder if my mom had paid. She did buy a very nice floral spray with a Grandpa ribbon on it for us. She's so great.
My mom was here over our four day Easter weekend. Friday night my mom, Kathy, and I went out salsa dancing in Austin. We left around nine and it took us until 12:30 to find the club we had originally set out for. But in that time frame we had fun walking up and down sixth street getting a few drinks and trying to find other places to salsa dance. I love Kathy and I love my mom. I can't think of two more wonderful women to spend the evening with. I don't know what I would do without them. We got in at three in the morning so Saturday we slept late and were lazy. Sunday after church my mom, Daniel, Sean, Kathy, Liam, Maggie, and I all went and ate at Los Cucos, a new mexican resturant here in town. I invited Dan but he was asleep. Since I am so wonderful I took him my leftovers. The food was wonderful but I ate way too much. And for the previous 24 hours I had been eating from a new diet, eating according to your blood type. Most of the food I ate on Sunday was not on the list for A blood type. It was a bunch of dairy, carbs, and high acid food like tomato and peppers. I felt kind of queasy during the afternoon but my stomach calmed down after I ate leftover sesame chicken and steamed vegetables. It also could have been since I ate so much at once that my blood sugar shot up and then plummetted. Either way, I'd eat there again, just with a little more moderation.
Another bit of news, I go to the doctor tomorrow about my depression. This is on my mother's advice and the encouragement of Kathy, Jes, and a few other friends. It's just been steadly getting worse since December. Right now I just want to drop out of school. I having trouble doing anything productive which if that doesn't change will make a successful semester difficult to accomplish. I must admit I'm a little afraid of going on medicine. I know it's not supposed to be strong enough to alter your personality, but I'm afraid that it will. Anyway, I'm trying to go through with my school plans as scheduled and not make any major decisions until I'm a bit more rational. If I register now for summer and fall, I can always withdraw if I choose to, but if I don't register and then change my mind, I'm pretty well fucked. So I'm trying to just think about the next week and not much further than that because then I start to freak out.
And last but not least, the date of my guys moving has been pushed back. My brother isn't moving to Canada until June instead of the middle of May. This is basically just for finacial reasons. Dan isn't moving to North Carolina until May. His friend that he's moving out there with screwed him over so it's going to be a little while until he can fix his car. I don't know if he'll still move out there but I know he doesn't want to stay in San Marcos so he'll probably be moving somewhere.
Well, this is getting fairly lengthy and that's the majority of what's been going on in the last couple of weeks.
Friday, March 18, 2005
pinpointed
This week is my spring break. I haven't done a damn thing. Friday through Tuesday I spent 90% of my time with Dan. His friend got a job in Charolotte so he's in the process of fixing his car so he can move there. Wednesday I went to Abilene, which is where I am currently. I've just been hanging out with my younger brother, his fiancee, my mom, and my dad and his wife. Heather and I went around today looking for ideas for stuff for her and Christophers wedding. On the drive up here I was listening to music and had an epiphany about the way I've been feeling lately. I can describe it in one sentence. I feel like something in my has burned out. I don't think died is an appropriate comparison because I feel like my old self is still in there somewhere. But as far as my hopes, dreams, goals, drive, and ambition go, they have all fizzled out for now. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to finish school. I don't even want to go back on Monday. I know, I just have senior-itis. This is much worse. I am totally unmotivated. Kids have been getting on my nerves. I can't think of lessons and I don't care enough to think about it before the last minute. I certainly am not ready to have a classroom full of kids this time next year so even as much as I hate school, the plan is to continue with my Master's degree as soon as I graduate in December.
Even though my job now is a million times better than my previous job, I certainly don't want to go back to it on Monday. Part of this has to do with the fact that kids are getting on my nerves. How hard is it to face foward and act like a human being for an hour on the bus. It shouldn't be that hard. Maybe I should just drive and let them kill each other back there. Survival of the fittest.
And since kids are getting on my nerves I certainly haven't been having any fantasies about being a mom lately. I watch my friend Kathy with her four kids (she's married to a wonderful man and they have a stable, Christian home) and I just cringe. I don't want to put up with all the nonsense that kids inevitably bring. And a co-worker of mine had a kid not to long ago and she told me not to have kids. She loves her daughter completely, but it changes your life forever and she wasn't quite ready for it.
And I certainly don't want any responsibility at church. I don't feel like I belong there. I don't feel like I can be myself. One Friday a month there is a 'lady's night' at one of the women's houses. I've never been because I used to work on Friday nights so that worked as a great excuse. Last month Kathy, Sarah, and I opted to go see a play in Austin and then go to the Elephant Room to drink beer and listen to great jazz music. I didn't want to go to the lady's night because I feel like I have to put up a front, and that's not a relaxing or fun way to spend an evening. I smoke, I cuss, I drink, I gossip, I get depressed, I'm a bitch, I have tattoos, I have sex, and I have some serious doubts about where I fit into the whole Christian thing. And I don't feel like I can be those things around most people at church. I already feel bad enough that I do all these 'bad' things and I teach Sunday School. I don't even feel like I should be at church. A couple of Sunday's ago I was sitting in church during the sermon and I could just feel the wall go up around me. I just didn't want to hear it. But part of not being able to be myself
and not wanting to let down the people I care about is why I keep going to church and teaching Sunday School. Sometimes I feel like if I just hold up the facade long enough I'll start to believe it.
So basically I'm depressed. You know those commercials with the bouncing smiley head/ball thing that ask 'Do you no longer enjoy things you once did?' Well, that's me.
I really don't want Dan to move. Even though he's certainly not open about his feelings and there are times I feel like he's virtually a stranger, I love him and I really enjoy his company.
Well, I could probably go on ad nauseum about all this, but I need to try to get some sleep. I have to go observe an inclusion class in the morning. Yeah...kids.
Even though my job now is a million times better than my previous job, I certainly don't want to go back to it on Monday. Part of this has to do with the fact that kids are getting on my nerves. How hard is it to face foward and act like a human being for an hour on the bus. It shouldn't be that hard. Maybe I should just drive and let them kill each other back there. Survival of the fittest.
And since kids are getting on my nerves I certainly haven't been having any fantasies about being a mom lately. I watch my friend Kathy with her four kids (she's married to a wonderful man and they have a stable, Christian home) and I just cringe. I don't want to put up with all the nonsense that kids inevitably bring. And a co-worker of mine had a kid not to long ago and she told me not to have kids. She loves her daughter completely, but it changes your life forever and she wasn't quite ready for it.
And I certainly don't want any responsibility at church. I don't feel like I belong there. I don't feel like I can be myself. One Friday a month there is a 'lady's night' at one of the women's houses. I've never been because I used to work on Friday nights so that worked as a great excuse. Last month Kathy, Sarah, and I opted to go see a play in Austin and then go to the Elephant Room to drink beer and listen to great jazz music. I didn't want to go to the lady's night because I feel like I have to put up a front, and that's not a relaxing or fun way to spend an evening. I smoke, I cuss, I drink, I gossip, I get depressed, I'm a bitch, I have tattoos, I have sex, and I have some serious doubts about where I fit into the whole Christian thing. And I don't feel like I can be those things around most people at church. I already feel bad enough that I do all these 'bad' things and I teach Sunday School. I don't even feel like I should be at church. A couple of Sunday's ago I was sitting in church during the sermon and I could just feel the wall go up around me. I just didn't want to hear it. But part of not being able to be myself
and not wanting to let down the people I care about is why I keep going to church and teaching Sunday School. Sometimes I feel like if I just hold up the facade long enough I'll start to believe it.
So basically I'm depressed. You know those commercials with the bouncing smiley head/ball thing that ask 'Do you no longer enjoy things you once did?' Well, that's me.
I really don't want Dan to move. Even though he's certainly not open about his feelings and there are times I feel like he's virtually a stranger, I love him and I really enjoy his company.
Well, I could probably go on ad nauseum about all this, but I need to try to get some sleep. I have to go observe an inclusion class in the morning. Yeah...kids.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
nature vs. nurture
I've began to wonder how much of low self-esteem is passed through somehow with heredity and how much of it is learned through environment. My parents certainly encouraged me, loved me, and tried to make me feel like a competent individual. Yet I seem to not like myself very much. I'm not very confindent in my ability to make benificial decisions (I won't say good or correct decisions because I don't think there is a right and wrong decision for every situation, like what I'll choose for my Master's) for myself and I'm always worried about how or when things will go wrong and I'll get fucked over or I'll fuck someone else over. Rationally I know that I'm a relatively competent individual and that I can't control a lot of things, but I very rarely feel that way. This seems to be manifesting itself lately in a general sense of apathy. I can't get started on school projects and I feel like my personal situations are doomed no matter what I choose. I know that both of my parents struggled with self-esteem and guilt for whatever reasons. My mom has told me that even as a toddler I picked up on tension with or between my parents. So again, I'm not sure how much of this was learned, even though my parents certainly did not intend for it to be, and how much of it was passed down genetically. If it is learned, I don't know how to unlearn it. I was doing ok for a while, but it's so hard to face it day to day, especially when crisis occurs. Then it's a horrible cycle because I get so mad at myself that I feel this way, which makes me feel worse about myself. I went to counseling for a while, but I don't want to spend my whole life in counseling. I should probably go back but, back to the cycle, I don't think it will make a huge difference in the long run. I guess I'm at least a step foward from where I was because at least I recognize what I'm doing. I don't drink to excess or do drugs, but I do wallow in self-pity. I wonder if there's a support group for that...Hello, my name is Christina, and I'm a self-pitier.
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