5 more days

AUGH!!! Only five more days of school left and I'll be finished with classes. I have a bunch of stuff do which only makes me want to work less. Just five more days, just five more days....

new pics

there are new pics on flickr.

wonderful song

She
words: Bergquist/Detweiler
music: Bergquist
recording: OHIO
artist: Over the Rhine

What she would like to do
Is get you out of her head
She's tried every trick
She's so sick of thinking about it

What's so special about you
You're an ache she's learned to crave
You're a blade too dull to raise

But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife

What she would love to do
Is get you out of her bed
She's played it over and over and over
In her head

But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife

She clings to what's familiar
She thinks a change would kill her

What she ought to do
Is put a gun to your head
For all the things you said and did

But what she will not do
Is let you go before you're gone
It's everything that's ever been wrong
But it's all she's ever known

So she cuts herself on you every night
She's just dyin' to lay down her life



I like the way this song shows the cycle of continuing to do things even though they hurt us. This line is my favorite "She clings to what's familiar
She thinks a change would kill her."

nostalgia

Child: "And God, I would like to be a cat. Could you please turn me into a cat, because I think it would be fun to play and sleep all the time."
Parent: "Honey, if God wanted you to be a cat he would have made you a cat."
Child (indignantly): "But God could change me into a cat if he wanted to."
Parent (patiently): "Yes, but He didn't make you one so I don't think that He's going to turn you into one now."
Child: "But He could if He wanted to!!!"
Parent (exasperated): "You're right. If God wanted to turn you into a cat He could."

such wonderful memeories from my childhood. no, it was not me (I just ate cat food), but i'm not sure if it will embarrass the person so you are left to guess who it was unless that person wants to identify themselves.

this was brought to my mind as i looked at KC lying on the rug in blissful sleep and thought how wonderful it must be to have the most troublesome thing in your life be children who look at you while you're trying to hide under the bed.

photos and flickr

So now I have a cool link to whatever photos I want to share. Thanks to Sean who told me about Flickr for photo sharing and for emailing me the photos of my purple hair that Kathy took. Hopefully I'll get a digital camera this summer so that I can take and upload my own pics without having to bug someone else to do it.

certainty

I went by the tattoo shop today because I was bored and I wanted to see when Eric was going to in from New Orleans. Granted I don't have money for more tattoos but I thought I could catch up and run some of my ideas past him. I ended up staying for about an hour and a half talking to Socks, one of the other artists there. When I talk with Eric and Socks I get such of a feeling of certainty from them. Neither of them believe in God, as a result of their own personal searches, and they seem to be very secure in what they believe. I can't remember the last time I was secure in what I believe, what I think, or even who I am. What brings this about? Many times I want to feel that certain about my life, even if it's a false sense of certainty. I can't stand feeling the way I do. Not knowing who I am, daily questioning what I believe or think I might believe, not being sure of much of anything any more. Eric and Socks both love their jobs, know what they think, don't give a shit what others think about them, and enjoy being on the 'fringe' of society. Sometimes I feel like I have dueling personalities because part of me enjoys not fitting in with the status quo. I would like to have the freedom to have tattoos where ever I want, have piercings if I wanted to, color my hair, swear, basically feel that I can be myself. But yet I'm choosing a career where I'm supposed to put forth the image of the social norm. Teachers are supposed to be role models which means, for some reason, that you can't have visible tattoos, etc, etc. I'm having doubts about teaching. I know I'm good at it and I enjoy it most of the time, but I don't want to do it right now. I want to do something different. That's a huge reason behind why I'm going to do my graduate work in Ireland. I'm not really sure what I want. This is all probably just rambling. But anytime I go to the tattoo shop I leave with something to think about. That's probably a good thing.

meeting Fanny

Now that I'm not quite as depressed as I was the other night I'll write about meeting Fanny. She is wonderful. She is wonderful for Daniel. They are very similar but not so similar that they will stagnate with each other. She is more outgoing that he is, which is not hard to do. I loved her instantly. She took an immediate liking to the McMains and to our family. It is so bizarre to see Daniel all lovey-dovey with someone. But it is also cool. I'm glad that he has found someone who makes him feel that way. I don't have any profound thoughts except that I love her and welcome her into the family with open arms.

Misc.
I dyed my hair purple. I need to figure out how to post a picture so that others can see the snazziness that is my hair. After the purple fades, which it already is, I'm going to dye it green, then pink, and I haven't decided what will follow. Why you may ask? Because I can. I'm not working this summer and I student teach in the fall. I think it's fun to make easy outward changes. Maybe is a subconcious desire to control change. Since the other stuff I'm going through isn't easy and this is. Or, maybe it's just fun to do.

I'm getting settled in my room. Kathy and I moved my furniture around last night and I think I like the new arrangement better. I have most of my stuff unpacked but there is still quite a bit of organizing and going through papers to do.

I babysat the kids last weekend while Sean and Kathy went on an anniversary trip. It was wonderful. The kids were great. We spent almost all day on Saturday outside. We swam at the house, went to Playscape, and went to the river. Then the kids cleaned the house and did a great job. Abby (8) wanted to make a special lunch for them when they came back on Sunday. There wasn't really anything in the house to make a special lunch with so I suggested making a dessert. I found a recipe for chocolate cookies shaped into X's and O's. She really like that idea so she, with a little assistance, made the cookies. She wanted to have lunch ready for them but we didn't know exactly when they were getting back, so se also made stuff for BLT's so there would be lunch stuff ready whenever they got home. Maggie (4) wanted to give them a present also so she went and made their bed all by herself. The presents went over wonderfully, of course, and Sean and Kathy had a great weekend. (you can read about it here, at Sean's website.)

I also started school this week. I'm taking a science class for education majors, the lab, and classroom management. It's going well so far, just kind of boring. I had forgotten how much I hate summer school. I don't like spending from 10 am till almost 4 pm in class and then having to do my homework the same night. Having classes every other day during the regular semester spoils my procrastinating side. But I don't have any tests in my classroom management class and in the science class we get to use notes for our test.

Well, soon I'm off to float the Guadalupe with Stephanie and friends. She is moving to Dallas soon and we're having a going away party. We're going to be on the river for about 5 hours. I hope I don't roast. Then we're going to eat somewhere in Gruene. It should be fun.

Daniels'

I was going to write a post about how much fun I had when Fanny was in town. About how wonderful she is and how great her and Daniel are together. I was also going to write about my snazzy (thanks Emily for the adjective) purple hair, and the new pink converse shoes that my mom bought me. But I talked to Dan and to Daniel tonight and now I'm just sad. I miss my guys. I want them to come back.