last couple of weeks

There has been quite a lot going on the last couple of weeks. Two weeks ago was spring break which I enjoyed a great deal. I spent 90% of my time with Dan and I also went to Abilene for a few days where I got to hang out with Heather, Christopher, and mom. Heather and I did some wedding preparations. It was actually kind of fun and not as depressing as I feared it would be. The only thing that was disappointing was that my mom's spring break was the week before so I didn't get to hang out with her a lot. And Christopher and Heather had to work the whole time I was there. I also had a nice dinner with my dad and Jenni.
Over spring break I talked to my mom some about my persisting depression and general feeling of discontent. Some of these feelings are centered around church and teaching Sunday School. She suggested that I step down from teaching Sunday School and even take a break from church for a little while if I need to. I was going to have breakfast with the Children's Director the next week to discuss this, but on Sunday I had a break down. I was sitting in the sanctuary (teaching theatre: we mee on campus), Kathy sits down next to me, asks me something, and I just started to cry. So she grabbed me and we went to El Charro for breakfast tacos. We had to go back to the church so she could get her kids and husband and I needed my car. We went back to the children's area and I ended up talking to the Director then. She was very understanding and not at all upset. She certainly is a mother...she told me that she had a feeling that I was needing a break but was waiting for me to tell her. Sometimes I swear that mothers, mine included, have ESP. So yesterday was my last day to be involved in Sunday School and I haven't decided what I'm going to do about church.
Daniel had a great trip to Canada and loves Fanny more than ever. They are going to get married in August. I'm trying not to hate them. Seriously, I am very happy for them and for Christopher and Heather but since I am selfish it makes me very jealous. But I shouldn't care because Jes and I are going to be cat ladies together, like in the Simpsons. But my mom said that she was going to live in between us and we could take turns taking care of her. So I think a good plan is for Jes and I to alternate days or weeks, one of us caring for my mother while the other stands in the front yard, screaming jibberish, and throwing cats at people. That sounds much easier than putting up with a male.
Last Sunday night my grandpa died. He's been pretty sick for about two years, from the time he had a stroke. He got pnemonia (sp?) and didn't recover. I didn't go to the funeral for a number of reasons. One, I had no relationship with him. The last time I saw him, other than the time he had the stroke, was in high school and I don't remember that visit at all. So the last time I remember visiting with him and my grandma, I was probably in elementary school. Two, my dad did not go to the funeral. He and Jenni had an anniversary trip to Canada planned and their plane left the same day as the funeral. Three, the family dynamic is very tense to begin with and would probably be much more tense because my father was not going and I am not emotionally capapble of dealing with that much stress right now. My mom had offered to pay for me to go and even to go with me if my brothers weren't going. But I felt weird about going in the first place and would have felt even weirder if my mom had paid. She did buy a very nice floral spray with a Grandpa ribbon on it for us. She's so great.
My mom was here over our four day Easter weekend. Friday night my mom, Kathy, and I went out salsa dancing in Austin. We left around nine and it took us until 12:30 to find the club we had originally set out for. But in that time frame we had fun walking up and down sixth street getting a few drinks and trying to find other places to salsa dance. I love Kathy and I love my mom. I can't think of two more wonderful women to spend the evening with. I don't know what I would do without them. We got in at three in the morning so Saturday we slept late and were lazy. Sunday after church my mom, Daniel, Sean, Kathy, Liam, Maggie, and I all went and ate at Los Cucos, a new mexican resturant here in town. I invited Dan but he was asleep. Since I am so wonderful I took him my leftovers. The food was wonderful but I ate way too much. And for the previous 24 hours I had been eating from a new diet, eating according to your blood type. Most of the food I ate on Sunday was not on the list for A blood type. It was a bunch of dairy, carbs, and high acid food like tomato and peppers. I felt kind of queasy during the afternoon but my stomach calmed down after I ate leftover sesame chicken and steamed vegetables. It also could have been since I ate so much at once that my blood sugar shot up and then plummetted. Either way, I'd eat there again, just with a little more moderation.
Another bit of news, I go to the doctor tomorrow about my depression. This is on my mother's advice and the encouragement of Kathy, Jes, and a few other friends. It's just been steadly getting worse since December. Right now I just want to drop out of school. I having trouble doing anything productive which if that doesn't change will make a successful semester difficult to accomplish. I must admit I'm a little afraid of going on medicine. I know it's not supposed to be strong enough to alter your personality, but I'm afraid that it will. Anyway, I'm trying to go through with my school plans as scheduled and not make any major decisions until I'm a bit more rational. If I register now for summer and fall, I can always withdraw if I choose to, but if I don't register and then change my mind, I'm pretty well fucked. So I'm trying to just think about the next week and not much further than that because then I start to freak out.
And last but not least, the date of my guys moving has been pushed back. My brother isn't moving to Canada until June instead of the middle of May. This is basically just for finacial reasons. Dan isn't moving to North Carolina until May. His friend that he's moving out there with screwed him over so it's going to be a little while until he can fix his car. I don't know if he'll still move out there but I know he doesn't want to stay in San Marcos so he'll probably be moving somewhere.
Well, this is getting fairly lengthy and that's the majority of what's been going on in the last couple of weeks.

pinpointed

This week is my spring break. I haven't done a damn thing. Friday through Tuesday I spent 90% of my time with Dan. His friend got a job in Charolotte so he's in the process of fixing his car so he can move there. Wednesday I went to Abilene, which is where I am currently. I've just been hanging out with my younger brother, his fiancee, my mom, and my dad and his wife. Heather and I went around today looking for ideas for stuff for her and Christophers wedding. On the drive up here I was listening to music and had an epiphany about the way I've been feeling lately. I can describe it in one sentence. I feel like something in my has burned out. I don't think died is an appropriate comparison because I feel like my old self is still in there somewhere. But as far as my hopes, dreams, goals, drive, and ambition go, they have all fizzled out for now. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to finish school. I don't even want to go back on Monday. I know, I just have senior-itis. This is much worse. I am totally unmotivated. Kids have been getting on my nerves. I can't think of lessons and I don't care enough to think about it before the last minute. I certainly am not ready to have a classroom full of kids this time next year so even as much as I hate school, the plan is to continue with my Master's degree as soon as I graduate in December.
Even though my job now is a million times better than my previous job, I certainly don't want to go back to it on Monday. Part of this has to do with the fact that kids are getting on my nerves. How hard is it to face foward and act like a human being for an hour on the bus. It shouldn't be that hard. Maybe I should just drive and let them kill each other back there. Survival of the fittest.
And since kids are getting on my nerves I certainly haven't been having any fantasies about being a mom lately. I watch my friend Kathy with her four kids (she's married to a wonderful man and they have a stable, Christian home) and I just cringe. I don't want to put up with all the nonsense that kids inevitably bring. And a co-worker of mine had a kid not to long ago and she told me not to have kids. She loves her daughter completely, but it changes your life forever and she wasn't quite ready for it.
And I certainly don't want any responsibility at church. I don't feel like I belong there. I don't feel like I can be myself. One Friday a month there is a 'lady's night' at one of the women's houses. I've never been because I used to work on Friday nights so that worked as a great excuse. Last month Kathy, Sarah, and I opted to go see a play in Austin and then go to the Elephant Room to drink beer and listen to great jazz music. I didn't want to go to the lady's night because I feel like I have to put up a front, and that's not a relaxing or fun way to spend an evening. I smoke, I cuss, I drink, I gossip, I get depressed, I'm a bitch, I have tattoos, I have sex, and I have some serious doubts about where I fit into the whole Christian thing. And I don't feel like I can be those things around most people at church. I already feel bad enough that I do all these 'bad' things and I teach Sunday School. I don't even feel like I should be at church. A couple of Sunday's ago I was sitting in church during the sermon and I could just feel the wall go up around me. I just didn't want to hear it. But part of not being able to be myself
and not wanting to let down the people I care about is why I keep going to church and teaching Sunday School. Sometimes I feel like if I just hold up the facade long enough I'll start to believe it.
So basically I'm depressed. You know those commercials with the bouncing smiley head/ball thing that ask 'Do you no longer enjoy things you once did?' Well, that's me.
I really don't want Dan to move. Even though he's certainly not open about his feelings and there are times I feel like he's virtually a stranger, I love him and I really enjoy his company.
Well, I could probably go on ad nauseum about all this, but I need to try to get some sleep. I have to go observe an inclusion class in the morning. Yeah...kids.

nature vs. nurture

I've began to wonder how much of low self-esteem is passed through somehow with heredity and how much of it is learned through environment. My parents certainly encouraged me, loved me, and tried to make me feel like a competent individual. Yet I seem to not like myself very much. I'm not very confindent in my ability to make benificial decisions (I won't say good or correct decisions because I don't think there is a right and wrong decision for every situation, like what I'll choose for my Master's) for myself and I'm always worried about how or when things will go wrong and I'll get fucked over or I'll fuck someone else over. Rationally I know that I'm a relatively competent individual and that I can't control a lot of things, but I very rarely feel that way. This seems to be manifesting itself lately in a general sense of apathy. I can't get started on school projects and I feel like my personal situations are doomed no matter what I choose. I know that both of my parents struggled with self-esteem and guilt for whatever reasons. My mom has told me that even as a toddler I picked up on tension with or between my parents. So again, I'm not sure how much of this was learned, even though my parents certainly did not intend for it to be, and how much of it was passed down genetically. If it is learned, I don't know how to unlearn it. I was doing ok for a while, but it's so hard to face it day to day, especially when crisis occurs. Then it's a horrible cycle because I get so mad at myself that I feel this way, which makes me feel worse about myself. I went to counseling for a while, but I don't want to spend my whole life in counseling. I should probably go back but, back to the cycle, I don't think it will make a huge difference in the long run. I guess I'm at least a step foward from where I was because at least I recognize what I'm doing. I don't drink to excess or do drugs, but I do wallow in self-pity. I wonder if there's a support group for that...Hello, my name is Christina, and I'm a self-pitier.