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This week is my spring break. I haven't done a damn thing. Friday through Tuesday I spent 90% of my time with Dan. His friend got a job in Charolotte so he's in the process of fixing his car so he can move there. Wednesday I went to Abilene, which is where I am currently. I've just been hanging out with my younger brother, his fiancee, my mom, and my dad and his wife. Heather and I went around today looking for ideas for stuff for her and Christophers wedding. On the drive up here I was listening to music and had an epiphany about the way I've been feeling lately. I can describe it in one sentence. I feel like something in my has burned out. I don't think died is an appropriate comparison because I feel like my old self is still in there somewhere. But as far as my hopes, dreams, goals, drive, and ambition go, they have all fizzled out for now. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to finish school. I don't even want to go back on Monday. I know, I just have senior-itis. This is much worse. I am totally unmotivated. Kids have been getting on my nerves. I can't think of lessons and I don't care enough to think about it before the last minute. I certainly am not ready to have a classroom full of kids this time next year so even as much as I hate school, the plan is to continue with my Master's degree as soon as I graduate in December.
Even though my job now is a million times better than my previous job, I certainly don't want to go back to it on Monday. Part of this has to do with the fact that kids are getting on my nerves. How hard is it to face foward and act like a human being for an hour on the bus. It shouldn't be that hard. Maybe I should just drive and let them kill each other back there. Survival of the fittest.
And since kids are getting on my nerves I certainly haven't been having any fantasies about being a mom lately. I watch my friend Kathy with her four kids (she's married to a wonderful man and they have a stable, Christian home) and I just cringe. I don't want to put up with all the nonsense that kids inevitably bring. And a co-worker of mine had a kid not to long ago and she told me not to have kids. She loves her daughter completely, but it changes your life forever and she wasn't quite ready for it.
And I certainly don't want any responsibility at church. I don't feel like I belong there. I don't feel like I can be myself. One Friday a month there is a 'lady's night' at one of the women's houses. I've never been because I used to work on Friday nights so that worked as a great excuse. Last month Kathy, Sarah, and I opted to go see a play in Austin and then go to the Elephant Room to drink beer and listen to great jazz music. I didn't want to go to the lady's night because I feel like I have to put up a front, and that's not a relaxing or fun way to spend an evening. I smoke, I cuss, I drink, I gossip, I get depressed, I'm a bitch, I have tattoos, I have sex, and I have some serious doubts about where I fit into the whole Christian thing. And I don't feel like I can be those things around most people at church. I already feel bad enough that I do all these 'bad' things and I teach Sunday School. I don't even feel like I should be at church. A couple of Sunday's ago I was sitting in church during the sermon and I could just feel the wall go up around me. I just didn't want to hear it. But part of not being able to be myself
and not wanting to let down the people I care about is why I keep going to church and teaching Sunday School. Sometimes I feel like if I just hold up the facade long enough I'll start to believe it.
So basically I'm depressed. You know those commercials with the bouncing smiley head/ball thing that ask 'Do you no longer enjoy things you once did?' Well, that's me.
I really don't want Dan to move. Even though he's certainly not open about his feelings and there are times I feel like he's virtually a stranger, I love him and I really enjoy his company.
Well, I could probably go on ad nauseum about all this, but I need to try to get some sleep. I have to go observe an inclusion class in the morning. Yeah...kids.