marriage and Christmas

On Tuesday night Steven and I went down to the river and exchanged vows and rings. We see ourselves as married and we're presenting ourselves as such. In the state of Texas if you present yourself as husband and wife, then you are legally married. We are still having the wedding ceremony in August. I've picked out my dress, which my mom is going to make. We have the church reserved and the reception hall picked out. Hopefully we'll be able to reserve it soon. Other little details are coming together nicely. We have an idea of our budget so that makes things easier to think about. My friend Jessica gave me a 1000 wedding bargains book for Christmas and Steven has already read most of it. He's so wonderful to help out. I told him I wanted help with the planning and I don't have to persuade him, he is more than willing to help. I'm so happy that I'm married to the most wonderful, caring, and thoughtful man.
On Thursday Steven and I drove to Abilene to spend Christmas with my family. We got to hang out with Jes, my dad and Jenni, and of course my mom, Christopher, and Heather and Virginia Ann. Steven got to know them and vice-versa. They seem to get along very well. Steven and I were our usual affectionate selves and it didn't seem weird at all. It seemed completely natural for him to be there. He went back home yesterday and I'm here till tomorrow. I'm helping with moving Virginia Ann. The only thing that sucks is that Steven couldn't stay because he had to work today. I love having him around all the time and I already miss him. I had to sleep by myself last night :( But I'll get to see him tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and has a great and safe New Year.

life changes

It seems that my life is changing all at once right now. I have a lot of personal changes that are still going on through my counseling and learning to create new ways of acting and thinking. Also, I graduated on Friday night. Finally!! Although I don't really feel an extreme feeling of completion because I'm going back to get my master's in spec ed in the fall. but it was certainly a sense of accomplishment. I never really paid much attention to my GPA. I knew it was a least a 3.75 but I graduated Summa Cum Laude which means it was 3.8 or higher. I'm proud of myself that I accomplished that.
Another huge change in my life is Steven. Three months ago I was perfectly happy with the thought that I was one of those people that God had created to not get married. Then I realize that I really like Steven. We start talking, dating, and now we're getting married in August. Hopefully it will be the first weekend in August. There is no ring or official popping of the question but we are engaged. In fact, we already view our relationship as a marriage because there is no question in either of our minds about the level of committement that already exists between us. I've already been staying with him about a week and a half, but I officially move in when we get back from our visit to Abilene for Christmas. We feel that we are married and that the wedding in August is the ceremony. We would have the ceremony tomorrow if we could afford it. But we are buying temporary wedding rings to wear until the wedding. I am so excited about this change in my life. I am so comfortable here. It's been like a whirlwind, but it also feels like I've been here my entire life. We're only in the preliminary stages of planning the wedding and I am already feeling overwhelmed. We're taking it a little at a time because we do have several months to plan and Steven is helping by taking a very active role.

Well, that's it for updates for now.

seven things

Stephanie posted this awhile back and tagged me. I usually don't do these things, but for Steph I will.

Seven Things to Do Before I Die (Lord willing):

1. Own a home.
2. Marry Steven.
3. Visit Ireland again.
4. Have and/or adopt children.
5. Make a quilt.
6. Start regualarly playing the piano again.
7. Own a motorcycle.

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Play guitar.
2. Own just one pet.
3. Not cry.
4. Style my own hair.
5. Be passionate about politics.
6. Be comfortable around new people.
7. Be extroverted.

Seven Things that Attract Me to My Spouse/Significant Other:
1. His sense of humor and his laugh.
2. His passion for God and desire to serve.
3. His understanding.
4. The fact that his actions and his words match.
5. That he calls me his angel and treats me that way.
6. We communicate about everything.
7. The fact that we are completely comfortable around each other.

Seven Things I Say (or write!) Most Often:
1. Sweet!
2. Giggidy!
3. Back and forth...forever.
4. Love.
5. I'll stab you in the head.
6. Do you remember the Simpsons/Seifeld/Family Guy episode where...
7. I don't know.

Seven Books (or series) I Love:
1. East of Eden
2. The Milagro Beanfield War (not the movie Steven!)
3. Pride and Prejudice
4. Ramona Quimby Books
5. The Good Earth
6. Blue Like Jazz
7. Life of Pi

Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again:
1. Empire Records
2. The Wedding Singer
3. Search for the Holy Grail
4. Pulp Fiction
5. A River Runs Through It
6. Shawshank Redemption
7. Corrina, Corrina

exciting news

Well, I know I promised a post on Wednesday. That didn't happen but here it is. Quite a few things have happened in the last month. All of them are good but I'm saving the best one to write about till last.
As many of my faithful readers know, I have been attending St. Marks Episcopal Church and have been loving it. It has rekindled my interest and desire in God and my spirituality in general. Well, two Sunday's ago I joined the church. Sometime in the next couple months I will be starting confirmation classes.
Student teaching is almost over with. I'm am so ready to graduate. While teaching has been fun, I'm ready to stop having the two jobs of teaching and being a student. I will be sending out graduation announcements soon. I'll be walking across the stage on December 16th. But my last day of student teaching is December 9th. And the week between the two I'll be taking my certification exams.
Last weekend I took a Motorcycle Safety Course where I learned how to ride a motorcycle. Kathy and I took the class together. It is a class offered through the extending education office at SWT. I was so excited when I signed up in August, and of course excitement waned a little since the class was so far away. But I had a blast last weekend. On Wednesday I went to the DPS and now I'm a licensed motorcyclist. Now I just need to buy a motorcycle. I already have one picked out and in January when I start working again I'm hoping to buy one. Here are pictures of the bike I want and the helmet I want. The bike is a Suzuki GZ250 and it's the same bike that I learned on. It's a great bike and I want something small and inexpensive to get around town on. When I get really comfortable with that, I might move up to a little larger cruiser. The instructors of the course were surprised that I had never even sat on a motorcycle before last weekend. I only had one scary moment when the bike almost came out from under me, but it just reminded me that the clutch is your friend. But seriously, the instructors said that I was doing a great job and it came fairly naturally to me.
And now, the best news. I have found someone that I love, that I adore, that I'm crazy about. Several of ya'll know or know of Steven. We used to work together when I drove for SWT. So we've know each other for a couple years and have hung out on more of a regular basis over the last year or 6 months. After Dan moved back to New York, Steven and I started hanging out quite a bit. I knew that he liked me but I didn't want a relationship and had given myself at least a year to be single and work out some of my stuff. Mom had met him while she was here for my birthday. She tells me now that she had a feeling that there was attraction between us but she didn't want to say anything because she knew I was working on myself. Before Daniel moved to Canada he was even asking me if there was something going on between Steven and I. A little over a month ago, on October 17, Steven and I went dancing at Winston's. That night and the next day I realized that I really liked him. So of course that weekend I freaked out, started crying, and told Steven that I couldn't be in a relationship, that I would mess it up, That I still needed time to myself. He felt horrible because I was crying and because he thought I was basically telling him to fuck off. But we kept on talking almost 2 hours a night and hanging out. I admitted to him that I liked him. We went to Wurstfest a couple of weekends ago and he held my hand. I felt so silly, almost like a middle schooler. I was so excited at having someone hold my hand. He went to church with me on Sunday and stood up with me when I joined St. Marks. The next night he was helping me make beanbags for a game I was taking to school and I said something that indicated that I was thinking about a future with him. We are now officially 'together', 'boyfriend and girlfriend','novio y novia', whatever you want to call it, but definitely looking at a future together. I trust him, I can tell him anything, I can tell him my crazy thoughts as they are happening, I can tell him that I don't like something he's said or done, and he can tell me the same things. It's amazing to be in a relationship with actual communication. After grandmother died, mamma and I were looking at pictures of her and granddaddy. They looked so happy and you could tell that they were absolutely crazy about each other. Momma said that she hoped that I would wait until I found that. I of course wanted to cry because I didn't think that it was possible for me to have that kind of relationship. But I have. I have found someone who treats me like a princess and I adore him. We are crazy about each other. I don't know that I've ever had this kind of balance in my life. I'm pretty much ok with myself, I'm seeking a relationship with God, I'm not ignoring my friends, and he can be who he is. It seems like it should be surreal, but if feels more like I've finally come home. Steven, I know you are reading this, and I just wanted to say that I love you so much, and thanks for being waiting around for me.

weeks 7 and 8 reflections

Week 7
During this week I tried to go over expectations with the students before the activity began. I also started a class sticker page for the kids to earn extra recess. I made sure to choose a goal for the first week that I knew they could meet. They did and they were so proud of themselves. The students can still earn stickers for behavior beyond the class behavior. The behavior during whole class activities seems to be improving. My CT and I also set up a personal space for the child with autism, E, last week. He used it a few times during the week and his emotional state was improved when he chose to rejoin the class. The previous method of talking with E in the hallway did not always work. First of all, it was very time consuming, and even when E said he was ready to come back into the room, many times he would get upset right away. When he returned from his space, it was on his terms and he stayed in the group longer, much longer, without getting upset again. When E got upset and my CT or I asked him what he wanted to do, he told us that he wanted to go to his space. I am documenting the times that E uses his space to see if there is a pattern in when he gets upset. I hope this is as successful when we move classrooms. My goals for the next week are to continue to encourage the students to work together for whole class rewards and to encourage E to continue monitoring his own needs.

Week 8
This was our first week in our new classroom. It has been slightly chaotic. Since my CT is moving back to the old classroom after Christmas, we didn't move everything to the new classroom. Also since she moved over a weekend, there was not a lot of time to get organized. I think she did a fantastic job. But there are still times when one of us is looking for something and we're not sure where it is. The students have handled the move fairly well. They seem to be flexible when we have to change small procedural things because of the new setup. E did not use his space at all. In fact, we saw some different manifestations of his behaviors this week. Luckily he hasn't started hitting his head again or screaming, but his behavior is certainly not going in the same direction it was last week. I didn't take time to show him where his space was before he got upset, so I need to do that this coming week. When he was upset I told him that he had his space in this room and he could go to it, but he didn't want to. The class behavior continued to improve this week. The students earned twice as many stickers and where very proud of themselves. We went to the professional building next to the hospital on Friday to go trick-or-treating and their behavior was wonderful. They followed directions promptly, waited their turn patiently, and were extremely polite to the professionals handing out candy. I handed out stickers quite often during the trip to encourage the behavior to continue and I used a lot of verbal praise. Before we left I wrote out 5 expectations for the trip, went over them, and told the students that they could earn 2 more minutes of extra recess (a total of 7) if they earned their last class sticker on this trip and that I would be handing out stickers when I saw the students following the 5 things I had written down. I think this helped a lot. The students saw and heard what was expected of them and they knew that there would be immediate reinforcement and reinforcement later. During a two hour trip most of the students earned 6 stickers. I made sure to tell them that they earned the stickers because of their behavior. I had been dreading this trip but we had a blast.


Misc.
There are new pictures posted on flickr. Hopefully I will post about the wedding and my trip to South Padre soon. I'm tired and am ready for this semester to be over. I still want to immerse myself in reading.

week 6 reflection

Last week we had a workshop on behavior management with Jo Weber. I had taken her class on Emotionally/Behaviorally Disturbed students a couple of years ago and she gave us the same information then that she gave at the workshop. It's amazing how much more of an impact it makes when you have specific children and situations in mind. I also don't know why we don't go over expectations with students more. They are only 6 and 7 years old, they need a lot of reminders simply because of their age. At the end of last week I started going over expectations before our lessons on the carpet and before we walked in the hallway. I saw a little bit of improvement on the carpet but I noticed more improvement in their behavior in the hallway. I'm thinking about starting a class reinforcement system for appropriate behavior during lessons. They would be able to earn extra recess on Fridays. This is just an idea that I had today that I still need to talk over with my CT. I've also started rewarding the students with stickers more frequently. I've noticed that the students who do not respond as well to verbal praise are coming around and starting to make a point to earn a sticker. The sticker is, of course, accompanied with verbal praise so that it can be reduced in frequency later on. I also realized that some of the behaviors that occur in the classroom that irritate me are simply just the way the room is set up. You have more behavior problems when students are crowded so it makes sense that I get irritated during carpet time. Not only are the students having trouble sitting still because there is no defined space, but I am feeling a little crowded which makes me more irritable. The students are also closer together so they are more likely to talk, play, or touch each other. And I'm not sure that I would have my students sitting in groups. A lot of the unnecessary talking that occurs is because the students are facing each other. I favor the idea of having group activities planned for a certain time of day so you just move the desks and/or chairs once during the day and then move them back before you go home. I also got some great tips for strategies to try with the child with autism so we can start working on him managing his own emotions and problems. My goal for this week is to make sure that I remember that the students are 6 and 7 and need lots of reminders and reinforcement. I'm also going to remember that my room would not have to be set up the same way as the class I'm in now.

recently...

Two Saturdays ago I had the rest of my back tattooed. It still needs to be colored in but the outline is healing quite nicely. I'm not going to post pictures of it on Flickr because it is a custom design and I want to protect Eric's work and keep my tattoo original. If you're a friend of mine I'll email you a picture once I find my @%&*! camera software and re-upload it.

This past weekend I went to Abilene for Christopher and Heather's wedding. It was a gorgeous event. The day was calm and they seemed to have fun. It was at Erinshire Gardens which is probably the most beautiful place in all of Abilene. I didn't know anything like that could exist in West Texas. When I'm in Abilene at Christmas I think I'm going to need to make a trip out there,take a walk, and take more pictures. Unfortunately in December the monarchs won't be passing through and probably not very many flowers will be in bloom.

Also, I'm not sure I want to be a classroom teacher. I'm considering a number of other options that would still put me working with elementary age children. Among the options are speech pathologist, counselor, and librarian. I also think that I would like to be a tattoo artist. I just don't know. Luckily I don't have to decide yet. And no matter what I decide I know my education will not have been a waste.

I must also recommend a wonderful book. It is Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I can say nothing except that it is amazing. I cannot imagine how a story that interesting can come out of someone's mind. For now I'm going to forgo the fiction and focus on the plethora of other books that I have. Father Bruce has been kind enough to lend me a Bible with the Apocrypha in it, the Gospel of Thomas, The New testament and Other Early Christian Writings, and two books on Lectio Divina. I also have The Cloister Walk, The Rule of Benedict, Traveling Mercies: Some thoughts on Faith, New Seeds of Contemplation, and a Thomas Merton reader. All this to read while student teaching. Aye!! What a time for a thirst for faith and a thirst for information to hit. But I'm glad it has. I just wish that I had time to sit undisturbed and drink in all the words and wisdom these sources have to offer.

week 5 reflection

During week five I got the chance to observe several parent conferences. It is amazing in the different reactions of parents. One parent said she'd tried everything and nothing works to discipline her child. Some parents are concerned about what their child needs help on and will even request extra work for practice at home. Some parents seemed concerned for no apparent reason over behavior or academics while others give the impression that the problem only exists at school. It was a beneficial experience to see my CT talk with the parents. She started the conferences out on positive notes and tried to put positive spins or seem hopeful for situations that are not ideal. After one conference she'd had to tell a parent something they didn't want to hear and she expressed her nervousness to me after the conference was over. It was good to see that even after 5 years of teaching she still is not sure how to handle some situations. Some very interesting information can be revealed at conferences. Some of the students were there with their parents and being able to see the dynamic between parent and child can be a window to a child's behavior. There is a student in the class who is quite inattentive and my CT found out that it is because he needs tubes in his ears. It is something that should have been caught when he was a toddler, but for one reason or another it wasn't. The mom is in the process of trying to get this taken care of. It was an eye-opener for my CT and I. Of course he has a hard time paying attention, we sound like we're talking to him under water. I hope he gets the procedure taken care of soon because he is already behind. I would also like to see first hand the difference that it makes. One of my goals is to try harder to take into consideration more frequently things outside of school that affect the students.

week 4 reflection

This week was more frustrating than others. It didn't have anything to do with the kids, but with all the other stuff that goes on. I'm beginning to tire of half of our meetings being complaining and griping. We have meetings during planning time twice a week and a grade level meeting after school once a week. I don't feel like much is accomplished in these meetings. A couple of the teachers are trying to make an agenda to help keep the group on topic and on some kind of similar train of thought. I'm also tired of hearing the teachers talk about each other. The school is using a language arts program called Balanced Literacy. It is a good program, but doesn't leave much time for subjects other than math. We are also using a new math program that is interesting. There is not enough time in the day to cover an entire lesson, which makes it hard to reteach if needed and not get behind. In the last couple of weeks we've spent a few days on clocks, a few days on money, one day on addition and the very next day on subtraction. It doesn't seem to allow the kids time to master a concept before moving on to the next one. The teachers are extremely frustrated because they are being told that they have to fit in science on top of all this. The kids need to learn science, of course, but the teachers are being required to use these other programs that take up so much time. And the principal has told the teachers that she wants them to be pulling reading groups throughout the day. The low readers are supposed to be pulled for reading groups everyday. First grade is still mostly group instruction. The only thing they do independently is workstations. It is almost impossible to teach what you need to and pull for reading groups more than once a day. It just seems like there are some very unrealistic expectations. I don't know if it's just the school, if it's this district, or if this is pretty typical but this last week has been kind of discouraging.

tidbits

Gaelic: Ta athas orm. (taw ah-hus uh-rum)
English: There is joy upon me.

I have no image of God other than an undeniable truth and as love. I was told my God may be growing up.

The Corpse Bride is a good movie. I enjoyed it a lot.

I was around a smoker and didn't crave or cringe.

I am in a pretty awesome place in my life right now.

week 3 reflection

On Thursday of this last week I substitued for my CT. I had my first instance (of this semester) of being extremely frustrated while teaching. The math lesson was introducing rulers. The kids were supposed to practice drawing lines with rulers, then use the rulers to make a star on a worksheet. Half of the students simply did not understand what I was showing them. They would draw lines without the rulers or put the ruler on the paper and draw without their pencil against the edge of the ruler. I think that I did not explain to them well enough how to do this. Using a ruler is something that most adults don't think about so I don't think I explained it step-by-step. I just assumed that it was something that would come naturally. The next day my CT retaught the lesson and I saw the differences in the way she showed the kids how to use the ruler and the way I showed them. She was much more specific in her directions. Next time I have to introduce a new tool to the kids I'm going to write down step-by-step what you do beforehand and try to think about how it would be if you'd never used the tool before.

That same day I think I applied some important philosophies that I had been taught. That morning all the kids came to school talking about the hurricane. It was quite obvious that all the kids were thinking about it. At the beginning of calendar time I took about 10 minutes and we talked about hurricanes. I think it kept us from having a lot of interruptions throughout the day about it. Later that afternoon I was reading a book to the kids and they simply could not focus. I was getting frustrated and was feeling like I wanted to give the entire class a write-up. Instead, I put the book down and told the kids that they had two minutes to talk. I explained to them that the class seemed to be having trouble focusing and not talking, so I was going to give them two minutes to stay at their spot on the carpet and talk so they could get it out of their system. After that we would re-focus and try again. I've had professors teach that these are good things to do and I know that they are, this is just the first time I have actually put it into practice and it seemed to be a worthwhile use of time.

relaxation

Tonight was a wonderfully relaxing evening. We got out of school early because of the hurricane so I had extra time. My evening was filled with napping, reading, chicken tortilla soup with the fam, ice cream and looking at photos with Kathy, and a dash of insanity provided by children. Now I'm off to bed at the late hour of 10:30. :)

week 2 reflection

For some reason I understand students with autism. I can usually tell the difference between being stubborn and autism and I'm able to be straightforward with them. I think this comes from both of my parents having a background of working with people who have special needs. This last week I feel like I really made a connection with our FOCUS student, he is autistic. I have talked with the FOCUS staff members and they've told me the steps that they use when trying to help a student de-escalate. My cooperating teacher and I are now using the same technique because consistency is always good. On Wednesday he got in trouble and became very upset when I gave him a write-up. We called the FOCUS staff and they talked about what had happened. The rest of the afternoon he kept telling us that he was happy now. This week he's started engaging my CT and I in conversation, which is huge for a person with autism. They tend to be very inward focused. On two different occasions this week he was working with other students during workstation time. One of those times was even a station that he told me he didn't like and fought against going to it earlier in the week. The peers at his table are usually great with him. They try to offer to help him, but most of the time he just wants one of the teachers to help. A couple of times this week he's accepted the help of the other students at his desk. It is just amazing to see him integrating into the classroom. He still has his difficulties, of course, and he still needs extra attention to stay focused, but I have seen him make progress in the two weeks that I've been in the classroom. I've also seen progress with a couple of other students who have more behavior issues than most. It also makes me feel good to see a student smile at me at the end of the day, even when I've had to discipline them. I am still making a conscious effort to make sure these students don't just get negative attention from me. I'm having a great time working with the students and it is so exciting to see the progress they are making.

reflections 1,2 and 3

I have weekly reflections that are required for student teaching. I'm gong to be posting them here as well to help keep people who are interested up to date.

Prior to student teaching, Reflection 1
The first meeting for student teaching was extremely stressful for me. As all the requirements for the entire semester were laid out before us, I began to panic. I wondered how I was possibly going to get all this done. There is so much surely I will forget something. I'm still concerned, but not as much as before. I have my calendar where I've laid out some of the more looming projects, I'm going to start making lists so that I know what work is the most pressing, and I'm going to start on the large projects before I think I need to. I think that student teaching will be a fun and valuable experience, I just hope I don't get caught up in the stress.

Prior to student teaching, Reflection 2
After spending two full days with my class and my teacher I am considerably less stressed about student teaching. I quickly remembered how comfortable I am in this setting and how much fun teaching is. I can already tell what some of the challenges in the class are going to be. There is one student who has autism. This student is extremely smart and able to do the work, but he needs extra prompting and attention at times. This is not difficult to do while my CT is teaching, but it will be hard to attend to him as needed when I'm teaching the class. My CT told me to step in, not to feel like I had to sit at the back of the classroom and observe, so I did. I was following her discipline model and gave a student a write-up. The student got mad at me and began to cry. I tried to talk to her about it but it seemed as if she was crying just for attention. There is going to be a bit of a struggle with this student. She seems to feel that the rules don't apply to her like they do to everyone else. I did make an effort later in the day to praise her for promptly starting work and walking quietly in line. Although she may be difficult to deal with, I don't want her to feel that every time a teacher notices her is when she is being difficult.

Week 1
I spent this week getting to know the students, my CT, and the other 1st grade teachers. I spent more time working with the child with autism and had a couple more struggles with the student who cried last week. I stepped in a few times and continued a lesson when there was an unforeseen interruption in the class. One day a student from another class was brought into our classroom because he could not get his work done in his own classroom. My CT had to deal with it immediately. I stepped in and continued the focus poetry lesson. We were spelling out words on the word wall. The students were distracted by the interruption and did not respond immediately to me. I stopped and reminded them that they were to treat me the same way they treated the CT. Just because she had to deal with an interruption did not mean that class stopped and they got to goof off. I feel like the students are trying me, which is perfectly normal. I am not hesitating to discipline or reward them. They get stickers for appropriate behavior and get write-ups from me, just like they do from my CT. I had felt like my CT was giving the students too many chances before she followed through with discipline at the middle of the week, but on Thursday and Friday it didn't seem that way at all. All I can do is try to make sure that I remain consistent with what I do. Overall I like my CT and the students in my class. I think this is going to be a great placement for me.

church

Some of you may know that I haven't been to church in awhile, probably around 6 months or so. Last Sunday and today I went to St. Mark's Episcopal Church. I'm very excited about going there. Here are some things that I find inviting...
-focus on individual spirituality (everyone experiences God in a different way)
-learning about different types of prayer (praying the hours, rosary, lectio divinia, etc)
-focusing on the inner transformation in striving to be more like God rather than focusing on how sin has separated us from God and made us horrible, detached beings.
-more awe surrounding God and the Bible
-no set doctrine that you have to follow

I talked with Father Bruce for about an hour after church today and have an appointment to talk with him week after next. I'm looking forward to finding out more about the church and finding ways for me to connect with God. What I grew up with doesn't fit my personality. I'm excited to develop my own rule of life. A rule of life is basically a set of practices that help you regulate your life and keep things in balance.

New Orleans

I don't watch the news very much. I find it depressing or frustrating most of the time. I knew there was a hurricane heading towards the states but I figured it would be like most other hurricanes. While lives lost are not something we should get used to, hurricanes happen every season. Then on Wednesday people at home group were talking about the devastation that had occurred in New Orleans. I called my friend Eric who lives in New Orleans to make sure he and his wife were okay. They just moved down there at the end of the spring so she could go to grad school and he was going to open his own tattoo shop. They are safe and all of their friends are safe and accounted for. If only every one could be so lucky. I still haven't watched the news because I can't take the heartbreak of watching and not being able to do much. I hear the horrible news through other people because, like 9-11, this is what everyone is talking about. I've been to New Orleans. It was only for a few days, but what a wonderful city. So full of history, incredible traditions, fantastic music, good food, and a wide array of people. I hope that the city can be rebuilt to represent all of this again. If you pray, please pray for all the people affected by the devastation. The people of New Orleans, of Alabama, the schools and families taking in those that have been displaced, and the people in government whose responsibility it is to clean up and provide care. If you want to do something, donate money. I have added a link to the Red Cross on the sidebar.

new chapter

Today I start a new chapter in life. I'm about to observe and then experience what the majority of my professional life will be like. I'm going to have to become super organized. I think I'm going to become the Queen of Lists simply so I won't forget to do anything. I've already met my cooperating teacher and she seems nice. I'll be student teaching in a first grade classroom at a school here in San Marcos. It's not the one down the street from my house, but it's close enough.

In 4 days it will be my birthday. Yippee!! I'm excited because my mom is coming down to visit.

Well, I need to finish getting ready to go practice being a teacher.

Canada, part two

Okay, so I'll start where I left off.

Day 4 August 4
This is when almost everyone else arrived. Devin arrived from Dallas and my dad and his wife Jenni and Christopher and Heather arrived from Abilene. We all went and ate at Boston Pizza. Earlier that day Fanny and I had run errands downtown together. There is this fantastic store called Silk Rose where they have an entire wall of tea. All the tea is loose in metal containers and you scoop it out into a tin and then pay for it. They had all kinds of blends. It was just so cool. I really enjoyed the time I got to spend hanging out with Fanny, even if we were running errands. After Boston Pizza I seriously needed some time to myself. So when we got to the house I went down the street to the potato/corn field and picked blackberries. I spent about an hour out there and was once again sane when I returned.

Day 5
On this day my mom, Christopher, Heather, and I went to a hotel because Francine and Guy (Fanny's parents) were coming back into town and they were staying at the house. We also had the girl night with the bridesmaids. Fanny, Heidi, and I went and got pedicures. I was quite skeptical at first but decided why the hell not. For those of you who know me, you know I'm not very girly and I don't like strangers in my personal space. But to my surprise, and the surprise of others, I really enjoyed it. It was relaxing and it was fun because all three of us were in the same room so we got to talk. I picked out a nail polish to match my pink hair. Then the three of us went to Rebar, a modern vegetarian restaurant, and met up with Janet. We had fun talking and eating. The food was delicious. I had an almond burger (think veggie burger with almonds, but incredibly wonderful) and I had a date square for dessert. For my drink I had a Herman's Dark Lager. It's not as dark as Guiness, but darker than Shiner. Once again, fantastic. I think I could get pretty close to being a vegetarian in Victoria because there is such a wide variety of wonderful foods there. Then Fanny took me to the hotel and she went home to see Daniel and her parents.

Day 6
On this day Daniel's friends Nate and Michael arrived. My mom, Christopher, Heather, and I ventured out on our own. We went down to the wharf and ate. It was so good. I had a pound of fresh mussels. Let me rethink the vegetarian statement, I couldn't be because there is so much fresh seafood. I'd probably be huge from all the wonderful food there is to eat. We walked around and looked at the floating houses docked to the piers. They weren't house boats, but floating houses. One of them was for sale. It was very interesting. That night we had a BBQ at Daniel and Fanny's house. There was a lot of people there. There was Daniel, Fanny, Francine, Guy, my mom, Christopher, Heather, me, my dad, Jenni, Devin, Nate, Michael, the other Michael, Heidi, Janet, and Matthew. I think that's all. I think this is when I met Fanny's parents for the first time. They are such sweet people. We talked, drank, ate, and generally had a wonderful time. Fanny's parents wanted to get the people in my family something from Quebec so they asked Fanny what each of our interests were. They got my mom a porcelain flower pin (very pretty), Christopher some cedar jelly and pickled milkweed pods (similar to capers), Heather a coffee-print apron, my dad and Jenni a cd of Quebec folk(drinking) music, and me a Celtic triskel necklace made out of nails. My mom had framed a couple of engagement pictures for them. I thought it was extremely thoughtful for them to go to the trouble to get things that each of us was interested in. We stayed up late, then went back to the hotel to sleep.

Day 7
This was the day before the wedding. Mom, Christopher, Heather, and I got up and went to eat lunch at a pizza place, then we headed over to St. Anne's for the rehearsal. The rehearsal took about an hour and was very laid back. After the rehearsal was over we had a little bit of drama, then mom, Heather, and I just went walking around in the touristy/downtown area near the inner harbor. This is where we saw the fiddle playing Darth Vader. Which, by the way, my picture has migrated to a sight owned by one of Sean's friends. That night I stayed with Daniel and Fanny because since we had limited cars I needed to be with Fanny for pre-wedding stuff. Fanny and I stayed up till 1 am talking and drinking wine.

Day 8-Wedding Day
I woke up and helped Francine get the flowers for the wedding ready. Then Daniel, Fanny, and I went and dropped off a few things for the woman who took care of the food for the reception. Then Daniel dropped Fanny and I off at Humboldt House where we ate a pastry. Then Fanny got the room to herself for a little while so she could relax and I went down to the beach with a book and camera in hand. I was afraid I wasn't going to find the beach (leave it to me) but then I saw the huge totem pole and knew which direction to head. I went to the beach and was sitting, watching the water, and smoking when a guy came up and asked to bum a cigarette. We talked for a few minutes and then he went back over to the person he was with. I sat and read for a little while. Then this guy came up and said 'Hello my Yankee friend.' I have never been called a Yankee before in my life!!! He was being friendly so I didn't get mad, but I did inform him that Yankees were from northern US, more specifically from New York. He bought another cigarette off me, talked a little more, and then left. I went down to the water, took a few pictures, looked at the rocks, and sat at the waters edge while enjoying my surroundings. Then as I was about to leave a girl walked up to me and wanted to buy a cigarette. Weird. I walked to the hair salon where Fanny, Heidi, and I had appointments. Talk about frustrating. I told the woman I didn't know what I wanted but she just kept asking me. I started to cry a little but she was messing with my hair so my head was down and I don't think anyone noticed. My hair ended up looking good. Then Heidi and I walked to Humboldt House where we briefly saw Fanny, then we got dressed and had our make-up done. Then we walked next to St. Anne's where were pictures were underway. We did the picture thing for a little while, then it was time to head into the chapel. I really can't tell you much about the wedding. I had to walk down the isle next to Heidi, with people staring. Then as soon as Fanny walked out the spotlight was off us, yea. It was a beautiful ceremony. Daniel and Fanny read some from Song of Solomon, Janet did a reading from John (I think) and another woman sang a song (possibly in Hebrew). Randy (the pastor) gave a wonderful, but brief, sermon, we served communion, the documents were signed, and Daniel and Fanny were pronounced man and wife. During the ceremony I couldn't look at Francine because she was crying. I was trying to keep from crying but when I looked at here it made it worse. (These were all tears of joy, just to make sure we're clear.) Then on to the reception. The reception was beautiful also. The food and cake were delicious. The beer was good. Daniel and Fanny danced. Monty Python was quoted to get the couple to kiss. There was a variety of music played. And a good time was had pretty much by all. We went back to Daniel and Fanny's (they were at Humboldt House) and went to sleep. I talked with Guy a little bit after we got back. He was happy for Daniel and Fanny. He said that he knew that she was very happy.

Day 9
We got up and went to eat at Floyd's Diner with everyone who was still in town. That was basically my family and Fanny and her parents. We had a good time visiting but you could tell that Daniel and Fanny were ready to get on the road to Point No Point for their honeymoon. I thought it was sweet for them to see us all off though. We then went back to the house, packed up, visited, said our sad goodbyes to Francine. Then Guy drove us to the ferry, said goodbye to him, and began the long journey home. I'm sad that Guy and Francine live so far away. I was told that if I ever wanted to come to Montreal, just to call and I could stay with them. They said even if I just show up at their door, I was still more than welcome. I think I'm going to have to try to make it out there sometime in the relatively near future.

We had a long trip back. A ferry ride followed by a night in the Seattle airport. Then we flew to Denver, had a layover in Denver, then flew to San Antonio. We caught the shuttle back to the hotel, picked up the cars, and drove to San Marcos. I was home, but mom, Christopher, and Heather still had to drive to Abilene because mama had to work the next day.

Overall it was a wonderful trip. I'm happy that we got to spend the time with Fanny and her parents. It's fun to add such sweet people into the family, and I welcome them with open arms. Congratulations Daniel and Fanny, and God bless your marriage.

Canada, O Canada

Here it is, the Canada post. It will be kind of lengthy so get ready. I'll try to get things in the order that we did them, but no promises.

Day 1 (August 1)
My mom and I went to San Antonio on the evening of July 31st to stay in a hotel that provided a shuttle service to the airport and long term parking. It was also easier because our flight left at 6:30 am on August 1st. The hotel was pretty crappy, but oh well. We actually got up on time and were eating breakfast at the Denny's next door by 4 am. For anyone who knows us, being on time is an amazing feat for anyone in the Priest family. We got to the airport and went through security and all without a hitch. We slept on the flight from San Antonio to Denver, had a short layover, and then dozed on the flight from Denver to Seattle. We had about 3 hours in Seattle before the ferry left for Victoria. We took a cab, my second cab ride of my life, to the ferry, checked our luggage, and ate. Then we walked around the pier area of Seattle. We went to the Harbor Steps where there were quite a few sculptures to look at. Then we waited in line to get on the ferry. The ferry ride was uneventful. I went on the back deck and enjoyed the cold and wind. I didn't see any whales, but it was a beautiful ride. We got to Victoria at about 7:30 and Daniel and Fanny were waiting for us. They took us to the house where we had a wonderful dinner of corn picked that day and sausage from Monsieur Saucisse (Mr. Sausage) in Quebec. These are wonderful sausages that Francine and Guy bring to Fanny when the come. This German guy makes the sausage and sells them at the market. We had chicken lemongrass, orange ginger, diablo, chorizo, and maple something. I don't like sausage and these were wonderful. We stayed up talking a while and then went to sleep.

Day 2
We slept in, then got up, had a leisurely breakfast. Daniel and Fanny made us wonderful cornmeal pancakes. I know, it sounds weird, but they were delicious. Then we went into town to run a few errands. Fanny went to get some things for the wedding and Daniel took us to Chinatown. Chinatown has the narrowest street in North America-Fantan Alley. That day we ate lunch at a Thai restaurant which was wonderful. It is called Baan Thai. We barely squeaked in for lunch, they close at 2 and we got there at 1:55. Then Daniel took us to Beacon Hill Park, which is very lovely. It has the tallest totem pole in the world at 127 feet, but we saw that another day. Daniel also took us by St. Anne's Academy which is where the wedding was held. And right next to that is Humboldt House which is the bed and breakfast that they stayed in the night of the wedding. Daniel and Fanny also got their new bed delivered that day. They had been sleeping on a futon and Fanny's parents bought them a new queen size bed. They are very happy with it. Mr. Darcy, one of Fanny's cats, was not happy. He was used to sleeping under the futon and it was also his refuge during scary times. He freaked out and went under the chair in the living room. But by the end of the trip he had adjusted.

Day 3
Fanny had to work in the afternoon/evening on this day. I don't remember what we did before she went to work, I think we just hung around the house. Then Daniel took us on a Sightseeing Marathon. We went to the breakwater, to the beach, to Beacon Hill Park to see the totem pole, to Mount Douglas, and to the Government House Gardens. The breakwater was very cool. Daniel and I walked out to the edge and had a look. We saw some interesting tubular seaweed. It had a spherical bladder that made it float and the rest of it was basically like a tube. You could step on it and it didn't give way. The beach was wonderful. We picked up some rocks and beach glass. We put our feet in the freezing cold water. The ocean up there makes the San Marcos River feel like a hot tub. It is interesting because the beach has rocks, not sand. The sound of the waves rolling back to the ocean over the rocks is an incredible sound. It's a combination of hissing and waves. The driftwood is also huge. I thought of driftwood as little pieces of wood but there it is trees. The totem pole was next I think. Anyway, it was dedicated in 1956. The art of totem pole carving had almost been lost so this guy decided to revive it and he made this totem pole. The figures, in order from bottom to top are: Gee-eskem (First Man), Hohoq the cannibal bird, Mukinookw the killer whale, Kle-akin the sea lion with a brown back, Kwikw the eagle, the grey colored sea otter with a halibut in it's mouth, Gwoy-im the whale with a man on it's back, T-sow the beaver, Lak-tote-pis the servant man of Gee-eskem, Miquat the seal with the spotted back, Uli-gun the black wolf, Hosagami who was Gee-eskem's potlatch record keeper, La-lox-undya who was a first man of another tribe (he was born a Kolus which is a mythological bird who was covered with down but never grew feathers), and Sinklah-ee who was the first man of another tribe (he was first created as Klesela, the sun). Then after that we went to Mount Douglas, or Mt. Doug as the locals call it. I'm not sure how tall it is, but I took a really cool 13 panel, 360 degree panoramic from the top. You could also see a snow covered mountain that is located in Washington from the top of Mt. Doug. The last thing of the day was going to the Government House Gardens. It was breathtaking. Victoria is the City of Gardens and they have something like 300 growing days per year. By that point in time we were exhausted and didn't see very much of the gardens. We got back, ate dinner, watched High Fidelity, and the Fanny got home. She had a rough day at work so we just did our own thing after that, I think.

To be continued with day 4

coming back to texas

well, the trip has been wonderful. daniel and fanny are happily married and i have more wonderful family. it's been too crazy to blog any but i'll give details and post pictures when i get home. our plane leaves at 6:30 tomorrow morning so i'll be back at some point tomorrow. i don't remember exactly what time. i'm ready to sleep in my own bed and have my own space again. i'm not ready to come back to the texas heat or to be so far away from daniel, fanny, francine, and guy. :(

off to canada

My mom is going to be here in about 15 minutes. Then this evening we're going to stay at a hotel near the airport in San Antonio that has long term parking and a shuttle to the airport. It will cost about the same as parking at the airport, but it's much easier because we have to be at the airport at 4:30 or so. I'm excited to see my brother and Fanny. And I'm excited to travel to a new place.

On Thursday the Collins hosted a BBQ for us. Us being me, Paul, Steven, Leanette, and Rich and Leslie. We had a great time. The food was awesome. Whoever thinks that the British have dull food does not know what they're talking about. It's because Britain doesn't have a strong food culture so they take in the food of any country that was in the British Empire. We hung out late again just talking. It was kind of funny because they don't have the bugs that we do in Britain. Louis was terrified of the cockroaches. It was quite a sight to see him overreacting about the bugs. Earlier in the day I went with Gordon, John-Luke, and Louis to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was suprisingly good. Then we went to Wal-Mart (John-Luke wanted to) and then to H-E-B to get groceries for the BBQ.

I'm really glad that the Collins came. I've enjoyed hanging out with them a great deal. I'm sad that they're going back, but hopefully I'll get to visit them again when I go overseas for school.

Well, I might post from Canada, I might not. Just depends on what's going on. But I get back the McMains will be back. YEA!!!! I like the Collins, but I miss my family. I hope they have a safe journey back to the US and the Collins have a safe trip back to Britain.

Hangin' out with the Collins

So, I've hung out a couple of times with the Collins (the British people) and have had a lot of fun. Gordon is very interesting to talk to. Between traveling a lot and taking in forgien language students, they've seen a variety different cultures. Last Monday I was invited to eat dinner with them, we had BBQ. Through out the week I chatted with them here and there as I saw them. They spend one day out as a family and then Gordon stays in with the two boys the next day while Justine goes and does things that the kids wouldn't be interested in. Gordon says that Justine lacks the ability to sit still. On Friday Gordan and John-Luke (12 years old) invited me to go down the San Marcos River with them. We had fun. I went down the tube chute and John-Luke wanted to also. He was afraid of being sucked over the dam before the chute so he got out to wade with his tube closer to the chute. Well, as usual someone was standing in the middle of the tube chute (they do that so they can spin peoples tubes as they go down, very irritating) and John-Luke didn't want to run him over. So, he ended up being pulled down by the current, only he wasn't on his tube and he went down on his belly. He hit his hip on the rock and got a little scrape. They went down the Guadalupe River yesterday and he said he had more fun on the rapids there because he managed to stay in his tube. Then last night I hosted a little BBQ for them. Not as many people came as I had hoped, but that's because I had to move it from Friday to Sunday because I had forgotten about plans that I had already made. So it was the four of them, myself, my friends Steven and Paul who I used to drive buses with at the university, and a friend from my home group, Cole. We had a good time sitting around talking about everything from politics (we reassured him that he certainly wouldn't offend us by saying that Bush is an idiot), health care, religion, cultures, etc. It was wonderful food (thanks Steven) and wonderful company. When we finally said goodnight at 1:30 Gordon looked like he was going to fall asleep standing up. Even though it's been strange not having the McMains around, I've really enjoyed the company of the Collins.

Update

As I mentioned in the last post, my mom visited the last few days. We went to the outlet mall and she got a dress for Daniel and Fanny's wedding. I found some dress shirts for student teaching. We also ate at the Hill Country Grill. It was fantastic. It is in a building that used to be a bank. The Newton Boys Gang robbed a long time ago. The people who own the resturant did a fabulous job of restoring the place and keeping it original. It's a little pricey, but definately worth it next time your in San Marcos.

I got a digital camera and it is awesome. It is a Canon Powershot A95. It was more than I wanted to spend but I'm glad I bought it. The cameras in the price range that I originally had in mind were around 3.2 megapixels. That is fine for what I would use it for but it is already on the low side of average for cameras. Since I don't want to buy a camera that is almost ancient technology, I went ahead and spent a little extra money. It is the same model, but a newer version, of the camera that Sean and Kathy have. I've used their camera before and really like it. So I'm already a little bit familiar with how the camera works and know the quality of pictures that it produces. It has 14 shooting modes so I can choose to mess around with the shots or I can choose the 'point and shoot' option. I've taken quite a few pictures and will post them on Flickr momentarily.

The Brits got in on Saturday evening. My mom and I talked to them for about 20 minutes. They seem to be very nice people. He does some kind of advising for colleges around Great Britian so I'm going to try to talk to him about the colleges in Ireland while they're here. I haven't seen them since Saturday. They were gone all day yesterday, and I haven't gone in the house today. Turns out they come to the states twice a year. They've been to 36 states. That's more than most Americans have been to. They've done the houseswapping thing on multiple occasions and said they've never had any problems, so I feel a little better about them being here. (for those of you who aren't aware, here are a few posts at Sean's site that might explain the why the Brits are staying in the house. Click here .) It's still weird to think that if I go in the house there might be people I don't know instead of the McMains. I already miss the McMains.

Last night I went over and hung out with Steven and Paul. We watched 'Be Cool' with John Travolta and Uma Thurman. It was a pretty funny movie, kinda bizarre though. We also watched an episode of '30 Days.' It's made by the same guy who did 'Super Size Me.' They take a couple of people and put them in different situations for 30 days. In the first one, the guy and his girlfriend live off of minimum wage for 30 days. The one we watched last night had two people who are major consumers. It was estimated that just the two of them would need 12 planets for the amount of stuff they used and the amount of waste they produced. So they went and lived at an eco-place for 30 days. We're talking solar panels, grow your own food, recycle your crap for compost, no makeup, no sewers, etc. It was pretty interesting.

Well, I'm going to download my pictures and post them on Flickr now.

The British are coming!

"One if by land, and two if by sea;" (Paul Revere's Ride by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

Actually, I know they're coming by land. They are coming by way of Houston in a rental car. Well, I dropped the McMains off at the airport this morning. I was really sad to see them go. I know they'll be back but I'll be three weeks without my family. They are so excited and I hope they have a wonderful time. I hope the British family that is staying here has a wonderful time also. I'm trying not to freak out that there will be strangers living in my house (I know the house is not mine, but this is my home). Kathy did an amazing job of getting all the kids packed and ready. She was still worrying about the house while we were in the car this morning and I told her to stop. My mom and I finished the last touches of cleaning when I got back from the airport. We cooked breakfast for them this morning which was fun. I also made black bean soup last night. A pound bag of beans makes a lot of soup so I was more than happy to feed the McMains. Of course only Sean and Kathy ate the soup, but the kids ate the salad and the bread. I enjoy helping out and was glad that I could lighten the burden on Sean and Kathy at least a little bit. I don't have much more to say right now, but I'll be sure to update you on the Brits tomorrow or the next day.

salsa dancing

I just got back from going out dancing with Kathy and Sarah. We had a blast. Dancing is so much fun and it's such a good release to get fun exercise. It was so hot at the place we were at. I'm having a snack (suprise, surprise!!) and then I'm going to bed. Tomorrow morning I'm going Dallas to visit Jes at her new place. Hopefully I'll get to stop and see Stephanie on my way into Dallas tomorrow. I won't be around a computer till Wednesday afternoon, but when I get back I'll post the couple of pictures that Kathy took tonight. Goodnight.

adventures in babysitting

Since last night was Thursday, I was babysitting so Sean and Kathy could have their date night. I like Thursday nights with the kids, we always have fun. Last night I took the kids and three of their friends (a total of 7 kids) to the river. The friends are 12, 14, and 16 I think so it wasn't bad at all. When we left the river storm clouds were coming in and it was starting to lightning a little bit when we dropped the friends off. We got back to the house around 8:30 and I was suprised to see that Sean and Kathy were back already. As the kids reluctantly started their chores, it started pouring. It was a wonderful summer evening thunderstorm. Lots of rain and thunder and lightning. Around 9:00 there was lightning, a loud clap of thunder, and then no electricity. The kids didn't freak out, to my suprise. I had been in the bathroom with Maggie while she brushed her teeth, so I was leading her back to the living room. Emily came out of her room with a battery operated desk light and we all convened in the living room. Kathy pulled out candles and lit one for every child. Emily took her candle to her room, Kathy went and laid back down (headache) and Sean, the kids, and I went on the front porch to look at lightning. It was very impressive. The storm was right on top of us and a couple of lightning bolts made it look like daylight outside. I tried to explain to Maggie that the noise of the thunder was just the clouds expanding really fast and that it couldn't hurt her (why do I give scientific explanations to 4 year olds?) but she was still scared. The kids wanted to go in so we all filed in off the front porch. The kids put their candles on the coffee table in the front room and Sean fixed them a snack. Emily rejoined us because her candle had gone out. After that, he read a chapter out of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by CS Lewis. The power still wasn't on so Sean told the kids that they could camp out in the front room and quietly tell stories until the power came back on. We sat and chatted for a little bit then Abby wanted to tell a story. It was pretty bizarre and drawn out, but of course hilarious. Toward the end of her story, the power came back on. She was disappointed and wanted to finish her story in the candlelight so she turned the light off. After she finished the story the kids made quite a production of blowing out the candles. Then they were off to bed and I went to my room to watch tv and go to bed. It was a few minutes before 10 when the lights came back on. The power had only been off for an hour, but it had seemed like much longer. I enjoyed sitting in the living room with the family and enjoying the storm, the lack of electricity, and the company. I was glad that Sean and Kathy were home because I'm not sure I could have successfully kept the kids entertained. Plus, it is more comforting for kids to have their parents home, safe, and keeping them safe during a storm. Thanks for the fun evening family.

ponderings

I've been thinking about some things lately. It's only been two months since Dan moved but I'm having a hard time being by myself. And I know it would be unhealthy for me to be in a relationships and I wouldn't be any happier, but I would have a distraction from working on my own problems. Here are somethings I've realized as a result of some conversations with people I trust and people who have been through similar life situations as I have.
-I create crisis for myself. I have a hard time being satisfied when things are going well so I freak out.
-Being with someone and being more concerned about them instead of myself is familiar so it is more comfortable than trying to deal with my shit.
-Since I have been in one serious relationship or another since I was 16, I don't know how to feel without responding to someone else. It sounds silly, but sometimes I just don't know how to feel because I don't have someone else to react to. You would think it wouldn't be that hard to know your own feelings, but it is.
-My 'inner child' (it sounds cheesy I know, but a person who I respect has suggested that I think about this) has some kind of fear about being alone and that is why I need to have someone around me, even if it's just a warm body.
-I think my anxiety and dislike of people (crowds, not individuals) has something to do with my depression and my inner child.
-Even though I have a crush on someone, I know it would be a really bad idea to pursue that person and I need to be able to articulate that in case this person, or anybody for that matter, expresses interest in me.
-I do not need to go to New York to visit Dan this summer.
-I am ok with the fact that I don't want to teach right now. I have the rest of my life to teach, just like I have the rest of my life to get married, I don't need to rush into it now just because that's what most people my age are doing.
-I'm focusing on one day at a time. Sometimes thinking about a week in the future is overwhelming, so I'm only going to concentrate on what I have to.
-I can't wait to go to Ireland, and if I still don't want to teach when I'm through with my Master's degree, I'll find different intersting jobs to do until I'm ready. If that's 15 years from now, that's fine. It's my life and I have to do what works for me.
-I've become ok with the fact that I can't sit through church right now. I've sat through two home groups and not been depressed to that's a major improvement.
-I have a lot of freedom right now and I'm trying to be content, if not joyful, so that I can enjoy this time period in my life.
-I'm going to get more tattoo in August and I'm so excited.

Well, I've had all these things rolling around in my head and just needed to get them out into a more concrete form so I can think about them in a more orderly fashion.

5 more days

AUGH!!! Only five more days of school left and I'll be finished with classes. I have a bunch of stuff do which only makes me want to work less. Just five more days, just five more days....

new pics

there are new pics on flickr.

wonderful song

She
words: Bergquist/Detweiler
music: Bergquist
recording: OHIO
artist: Over the Rhine

What she would like to do
Is get you out of her head
She's tried every trick
She's so sick of thinking about it

What's so special about you
You're an ache she's learned to crave
You're a blade too dull to raise

But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife

What she would love to do
Is get you out of her bed
She's played it over and over and over
In her head

But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife

She clings to what's familiar
She thinks a change would kill her

What she ought to do
Is put a gun to your head
For all the things you said and did

But what she will not do
Is let you go before you're gone
It's everything that's ever been wrong
But it's all she's ever known

So she cuts herself on you every night
She's just dyin' to lay down her life



I like the way this song shows the cycle of continuing to do things even though they hurt us. This line is my favorite "She clings to what's familiar
She thinks a change would kill her."

nostalgia

Child: "And God, I would like to be a cat. Could you please turn me into a cat, because I think it would be fun to play and sleep all the time."
Parent: "Honey, if God wanted you to be a cat he would have made you a cat."
Child (indignantly): "But God could change me into a cat if he wanted to."
Parent (patiently): "Yes, but He didn't make you one so I don't think that He's going to turn you into one now."
Child: "But He could if He wanted to!!!"
Parent (exasperated): "You're right. If God wanted to turn you into a cat He could."

such wonderful memeories from my childhood. no, it was not me (I just ate cat food), but i'm not sure if it will embarrass the person so you are left to guess who it was unless that person wants to identify themselves.

this was brought to my mind as i looked at KC lying on the rug in blissful sleep and thought how wonderful it must be to have the most troublesome thing in your life be children who look at you while you're trying to hide under the bed.

photos and flickr

So now I have a cool link to whatever photos I want to share. Thanks to Sean who told me about Flickr for photo sharing and for emailing me the photos of my purple hair that Kathy took. Hopefully I'll get a digital camera this summer so that I can take and upload my own pics without having to bug someone else to do it.

certainty

I went by the tattoo shop today because I was bored and I wanted to see when Eric was going to in from New Orleans. Granted I don't have money for more tattoos but I thought I could catch up and run some of my ideas past him. I ended up staying for about an hour and a half talking to Socks, one of the other artists there. When I talk with Eric and Socks I get such of a feeling of certainty from them. Neither of them believe in God, as a result of their own personal searches, and they seem to be very secure in what they believe. I can't remember the last time I was secure in what I believe, what I think, or even who I am. What brings this about? Many times I want to feel that certain about my life, even if it's a false sense of certainty. I can't stand feeling the way I do. Not knowing who I am, daily questioning what I believe or think I might believe, not being sure of much of anything any more. Eric and Socks both love their jobs, know what they think, don't give a shit what others think about them, and enjoy being on the 'fringe' of society. Sometimes I feel like I have dueling personalities because part of me enjoys not fitting in with the status quo. I would like to have the freedom to have tattoos where ever I want, have piercings if I wanted to, color my hair, swear, basically feel that I can be myself. But yet I'm choosing a career where I'm supposed to put forth the image of the social norm. Teachers are supposed to be role models which means, for some reason, that you can't have visible tattoos, etc, etc. I'm having doubts about teaching. I know I'm good at it and I enjoy it most of the time, but I don't want to do it right now. I want to do something different. That's a huge reason behind why I'm going to do my graduate work in Ireland. I'm not really sure what I want. This is all probably just rambling. But anytime I go to the tattoo shop I leave with something to think about. That's probably a good thing.

meeting Fanny

Now that I'm not quite as depressed as I was the other night I'll write about meeting Fanny. She is wonderful. She is wonderful for Daniel. They are very similar but not so similar that they will stagnate with each other. She is more outgoing that he is, which is not hard to do. I loved her instantly. She took an immediate liking to the McMains and to our family. It is so bizarre to see Daniel all lovey-dovey with someone. But it is also cool. I'm glad that he has found someone who makes him feel that way. I don't have any profound thoughts except that I love her and welcome her into the family with open arms.

Misc.
I dyed my hair purple. I need to figure out how to post a picture so that others can see the snazziness that is my hair. After the purple fades, which it already is, I'm going to dye it green, then pink, and I haven't decided what will follow. Why you may ask? Because I can. I'm not working this summer and I student teach in the fall. I think it's fun to make easy outward changes. Maybe is a subconcious desire to control change. Since the other stuff I'm going through isn't easy and this is. Or, maybe it's just fun to do.

I'm getting settled in my room. Kathy and I moved my furniture around last night and I think I like the new arrangement better. I have most of my stuff unpacked but there is still quite a bit of organizing and going through papers to do.

I babysat the kids last weekend while Sean and Kathy went on an anniversary trip. It was wonderful. The kids were great. We spent almost all day on Saturday outside. We swam at the house, went to Playscape, and went to the river. Then the kids cleaned the house and did a great job. Abby (8) wanted to make a special lunch for them when they came back on Sunday. There wasn't really anything in the house to make a special lunch with so I suggested making a dessert. I found a recipe for chocolate cookies shaped into X's and O's. She really like that idea so she, with a little assistance, made the cookies. She wanted to have lunch ready for them but we didn't know exactly when they were getting back, so se also made stuff for BLT's so there would be lunch stuff ready whenever they got home. Maggie (4) wanted to give them a present also so she went and made their bed all by herself. The presents went over wonderfully, of course, and Sean and Kathy had a great weekend. (you can read about it here, at Sean's website.)

I also started school this week. I'm taking a science class for education majors, the lab, and classroom management. It's going well so far, just kind of boring. I had forgotten how much I hate summer school. I don't like spending from 10 am till almost 4 pm in class and then having to do my homework the same night. Having classes every other day during the regular semester spoils my procrastinating side. But I don't have any tests in my classroom management class and in the science class we get to use notes for our test.

Well, soon I'm off to float the Guadalupe with Stephanie and friends. She is moving to Dallas soon and we're having a going away party. We're going to be on the river for about 5 hours. I hope I don't roast. Then we're going to eat somewhere in Gruene. It should be fun.

Daniels'

I was going to write a post about how much fun I had when Fanny was in town. About how wonderful she is and how great her and Daniel are together. I was also going to write about my snazzy (thanks Emily for the adjective) purple hair, and the new pink converse shoes that my mom bought me. But I talked to Dan and to Daniel tonight and now I'm just sad. I miss my guys. I want them to come back.

my new place

Well, I have officially moved into the McMains. I spent my first night there on Saturday so I've been there about a week. I love it so far. It's pretty much what I expected. I can talk to Kathy almost any time and the kids want to hang out in my room all the time and play with the cats. Since I know the kids will be in there a lot this summer, I've set up a shelf with all my kids books, coloring books, crayons, markers, magnets to play with on the fridge, and some stuffed animals for them to play with. This way the stuff they play with has a central location so they can easily clean up after themselves.
The cats seem to be adjusting fairly well. Callie tolerates all the kids, even when Maggie (4) piles stuffed animals on top of her. KC is hanging out under the bed hissing at the kids and exploring when the kids aren't around. Callie really wants to go in the other part of the house, but that's not allowed.
The house is getting clean. Daniel is doing a wonderful job. So far he has cleaned the laundry room, kitchen, and bathroom. I really appreciate his willingness to clean so much at the house while I get settled at the McMains. I'm thrilled also because I talked to the landlord today and he said that I don't have to paint back over the kitchen cabinets. I had painted them a golden yellow to go with the sunflower theme in the kitchen. I just have to paint the one wall in my room that I painted light pink. I got a really cheap can of paint and I think I'm going to have to do three coats. Right now I'm letting the second coat dry.
Last night I had a bizarre dream. It involved being in Mexico with my mom, my younger brother, some other female family member, and some random people from church and one of Dan's friends. We were there during some kind of revolution. One group was killing off another group. The group that was getting killed off usually got spotted and shot while they were climbing up places, to put up signs I think. Anyway, the most vivid part of the dream was where there was a bunch of people in a swimming pool. The pool was so crowded that people were basically just standing around in the water. My mom and I were out of the pool. Some people noticed a man coming down out of the sky on the kind of rope that army guys come out of helicopters on. Well, one of the revolutionary guys shot him and he landed in the pool. People scattered and screamed as blood dyed the water red (although I don't remember being able to see the body). At that point I looked at the water, turned around, and threw up. There was another part where one of the people who worked in the hotel we were staying at was going to show us the menu for some food. For some reason we had to climb up on this ladder to get to it. I was terrified that we would be mistaken for some of the revolutionary people and be shot because we were climbing up on a ladder. The hotel worker assured us that we would be ok. I just remembered being so terrified. What a weird dream. I wonder what it stemmed from. I didn't wake up super hot last night, so I don't think that was it.
Well, there's not a whole lot else going on right now. Fanny gets in at 2 pm today and Kathy, Sean, Daniel, Fanny, and I are all going to eat at the Gristmill tonight. This weekend is Sean and Kathy's 10th wedding aniversary but they are going to put off their couple stuff till next weekend. Then Saturday is the party and the madness ensues, at least for Daniel. Updates later after the two hello Fanny, goodbye Daniel parties and my few days in Abilene.

recent goings on

It's been awhile since I posted. On the 7th I got really sick. The doctor thinks I picked up a bug in Mexico. I was sick from Saturday the 7th till Friday the 13th. I didn't eat anything during those days either so I lost about 10 pounds. Daniel took wonderful care of me. He took and stayed with me for my two visits to the ER (for IV rehydration and antibiotics), went to the doctor with me, and got me food and prescriptions. What a great brother. My mom came down last weekend just in case I didn't get better. It was nice to have her here even though I was well. This week has been a mad rush to get stuff ready for the move and garage sale. Tomorrow is the garage sale and I'm moving the rest of my stuff tomorrow. Tomorrow night will hopefully be my first night at the McMains. It's all very strange to me. I can't believe Daniel is moving away and I'll be living with a family. It's beginning to hit home though as we go through stuff and make a mound of crap for the garage sale. I can't believe how much unneeded stuff two people can have. I'll post more about my Mexico trip later. Right now I'm listening to Over the Rhine and need to return to pricing dishes. WooHoo!!!

San Luis Potosi trip

My trip to Mexico...where to begin. I had a blast. I went to San Luis Potosi (that is the name of the city and the state, it is the capital of the state. ) for the wedding of some friends that I go to church with. (If you go to http://www.maps-of-mexico.com/ and scroll down to the second box that's headed 'Mexico State Maps' you can click on the state of San Luis Potosi and it will bring up a 16 tile more detailed map. If you go to 3 tiles down and 2 over [from the top left], the yellow blob is the city. You can click on the tile for a more detailed map.) There were 25 people on the bus, 8 of us knew the couple through church, the rest was the groom's family. The trip down there wasn't so bad. We left San Antonio at 7:45 on Thursday night. We took a chartered bus, Noreste bus lines. The two bus drivers did not speak a word of English. Anyway, since we left late most people slept the majority of the trip. We stopped in Laredo to change over our money and we stopped about half way in at a rest stop to fill up with gas. The drive from San Antonio to Laredo was 3 hours and the drive from Laredo to San Luis Potosi was 10 hours. We got into the city about 8 am and were thinking that we wouldn't be able to check in to the hotel until the afternoon. Everyone was famished so we stopped at a resturant called Tokyio for breakfast. It's very interesting to not know what you're ordering for breakfast. I knew some of the words for almost every breakfast choice, but not enough to know exactly what it was. Most of what they had was eggs (huevos) which I did not want. I decided to be brave and I ordered the Echiladas Potosinas. They looked like fried tacos with farm cheese (some kind of white cheese, it was good) and some kind of salsa type stuff inside. It was good, but a little greasy because it was fried. The orange juice was the best I've ever tasted. From there we went to the hotel where the manager tried to charge us a higher rate that what he had quoted Sam and Alba (the bride and groom). Sam did his best with his limited Spanish and the managers limited to English to make it clear that they were going to give us the price they were quoted. When Alba got there she put her foot down. They tried to do the same thing when people were paying and checking out on Sunday. But Alba was there and it did not happen. The manager told Sam that it was only 30 pesos ($3) so what was the big deal. I guess he thinks we're rich Americans. We all could have afforded it but it was more the principle of the thing. Well, I have to get ready to go to work. More to come soon.

must sleep and exciting weekend plans

I just got done hanging out with Steven and Leanette, friends from an old job. It's great to have friends who can force you to socialize so you don't sit at home and get depressed. On the down side it is very late and I don't even know why I'm typing this. I have to be in Austin at 8 am tomorrow for my last day at my internship in the preK class and it's an hour drive. Anyway, I'm going to Mexico this weekend. WooHoo!!! Kathy is whisking me away. Just kidding. A mutual friend of ours is getting married and we're going down for her wedding. I leave tomorrow evening and won't be back until early Monday morning. Anyway, hopefully I will have fun stories when I return. Steven said there's nothing we can do to prevent standing out like a sore thumb while we're down there. The advice I was given: take bottled water, pepto bismol, walk on the side of the sidewalk next to the buildings, don't go anywhere alone (I forgot to ask him if it would be okay if I went to the bathroom in the hotel alone, oh well, I'll chance it), and not to wear tank tops. Must sleep now, regret to follow at 5:30 am. Yuck.

latest news

Well, I've kind of been dreading writing about this. I'm sure I'll start crying, but I need to get it out. Dan left for North Carolina on Wednesday of last week. I had been spending every possible waking moment with him. We (Kathy, Emily, Liam, Maggie, Dan, and I) got to the bus station about 1:15 because he was going to leave on the 1:45 bus. Well, that bus was full so he ended up leaving on the 3:05 bus. We were all sitting outside and I cried a little bit while he was on the phone with Dave, making all the last little things were in order. Kathy and the two younger kids went to Sonic to get Dan a burger and I was trying really hard not to cry. Kathy and the kids left about 2:00 and Liam just started crying. He was so sad. It got me started crying. After they left Dan put his arms around me and just held me while tried to gain my composure, but it wasn't going to happen. He was trying to make me feel better by telling me how much fun I would have living with Kathy. He said that he was sorry that he hadn't been someone that I could talk to easily. I had to go to work so we said our goodbyes. We just stood and held each other for a few minutes. I told him that I loved and he said that he loved me too and he was sorry that he hadn't said it before. I told him that I knew he did. He said that he was really going to miss me. When we stopped hugging I looked at him and he was all teary eyed. I can't believe that he cried. I went off to work and they won't let me drive because I'm too upset. They said they didn't need me that badly and that I should just go home. Well, Dan's bus hadn't left yet so I went back to the bus station. He was suprised to see me but glad that I had come back. I didn't start crying again. The bus came and we hugged again and Dan said 'Let's not cry this time.' So I went to my car and he got on the bus and I'll probably never see him again. I talked to him Friday night and last night. He seems depressed because he doesn't know what to do with his life. I just want him to come back. I miss him so much.

system overload

Last Thursday I had a test that I thought was the next week. Tomorrow I have a portfolio covering an entire semesters worth of intern work. Tuesday I have another test and a slightly less dramatic portfolio. Thursday I have a teaching project due that I haven't even looked at yet. In the meantime I still have to complete hours for my two internships and try to sleep, eat, and go to work. I can't remember the last time I spent this much time on the weekend doing homework. I spent about half of yesterday and all of today working on this portfolio. And to top it all off, Dan is moving on Tuesday. I'm tired and starting to feel depressed. I think that I'll go to sleep now and finish this in the morning. All I have left is a reflection and describing how to set up grade book. Fun wow, man. First, I think I'll have a cigarette. And a word to the wise...procrastinating is a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, idea.

I have a plan

Well, I have been on the anit-depressant for a little over two weeks now. I'm feeling better on a regular basis. Not a 'shiny happy drugged' better, but an 'I'm able to function' better. The slightest little thing doesn't make me want to cry and when something upsets me I'm actually able to move past it and not be depressed for the rest of the day. I have also come up with a plan. I am going to Ireland for graduate school. There are six schools, all of which offer a masters in elementary education. I'm more excited about the idea of living in Ireland for two years than the idea of getting my masters. I love Ireland and have wanted to live there ever since I visited in high school. The prices at some of the schools are similar to what I'm paying now so I think this is very feasible. Here are links to the universities in case you want to look around.
Trinity College Dublin (which I can't afford, the first year is a little over $15000)
University College Dublin
National University of Ireland, Galway
NUI, Maynooth
University College Cork
University of Limerick
I still have alot of looking around to do to figure out which one is my first choice. But I'm excited about the thought of going. Especially since I have decided I no longer want the goals I used to have right now. I have come to the realization that I'm still very young. I don't want to get married and have kids right now and I'm not ready to teach. I want to experience different things and do stuff that I won't be able to do once I settle down. So, in the fall I'll student teach (my tentative placement is San Marcos, YEAH), in the spring I'll work my butt off, and then hopefully next fall I'll be in Ireland. Did I mention that I'm extremely excited?

misc.

On Tuesday I wrote a new post but the computer at school that I was using freaked out and it didn't take. So basically to sum up what I had written...I am now taking Effexor which is an anti-depressant. I have a few problems with it such as I don't want my moods to be fake and I feel like I should be able to work through this stuff myself. But even though it is just everyday stuff that I'm freaking out about, I haven't been able to work through it so maybe I do need the meds.
Yesterday I was actually in a good mood. Dan asked me if it was the meds but I don't think so because as of yesterday I'd only taken three half doses (37.5 mg). I had an easy route at work. I drove PreK kids which meant I had a monitor on my bus and she was fun to talk to. I drove that same route in the afternoon. During the middle of the day when I was doing my internship at Tobias Elem I was kind of annoyed with the kids, but not to the point where I wanted to cry. After my afternoon route I went up to the financial aide office and actually delt with an intelligent, nice, and helpful human being. How refreshing. Then I went and got my tattoo worked on. I still needed another round of ink over the cover-up part. Eric (my tattoo artist) is moving next week to New Orleans. He's going to open up a custom only shop which is super cool. But I'm disappointed because I still want to have more work done. He'll be coming back here every few months though because he has a ton of clients here with big projects going. He took some pictures of my back so that he can be thinking of ways to expand what I have. Getting tattoos and talking and planning with Eric about more always puts me in a good mood. I love tattoos. After that I watched a movie with Kathy and Dan. It was Million Dollar Hotel. Pretty interesting, but then again I think crazy people are fascinating. It was a bit slow at the end and I ended up dozing off (I do that quite a bit at the end of movies that I watch at night). Dan said that I didn't miss any huge details or anything. He and Kathy didn't really care for the movie. The night before we watched Boondock Saints. I thought it was a good movie. Dan and Sean liked it but Kathy didn't care for it. It's pretty violent and she doesn't like violent movies that much.
I'm in a good mood again today but I'm feeling a bit scattered. That usually happens when I have an unstructured day with lots of stuff I need to get done. My main focus is some school projects that I have put off until the last minute. I guess I should go do something productive now.

last couple of weeks

There has been quite a lot going on the last couple of weeks. Two weeks ago was spring break which I enjoyed a great deal. I spent 90% of my time with Dan and I also went to Abilene for a few days where I got to hang out with Heather, Christopher, and mom. Heather and I did some wedding preparations. It was actually kind of fun and not as depressing as I feared it would be. The only thing that was disappointing was that my mom's spring break was the week before so I didn't get to hang out with her a lot. And Christopher and Heather had to work the whole time I was there. I also had a nice dinner with my dad and Jenni.
Over spring break I talked to my mom some about my persisting depression and general feeling of discontent. Some of these feelings are centered around church and teaching Sunday School. She suggested that I step down from teaching Sunday School and even take a break from church for a little while if I need to. I was going to have breakfast with the Children's Director the next week to discuss this, but on Sunday I had a break down. I was sitting in the sanctuary (teaching theatre: we mee on campus), Kathy sits down next to me, asks me something, and I just started to cry. So she grabbed me and we went to El Charro for breakfast tacos. We had to go back to the church so she could get her kids and husband and I needed my car. We went back to the children's area and I ended up talking to the Director then. She was very understanding and not at all upset. She certainly is a mother...she told me that she had a feeling that I was needing a break but was waiting for me to tell her. Sometimes I swear that mothers, mine included, have ESP. So yesterday was my last day to be involved in Sunday School and I haven't decided what I'm going to do about church.
Daniel had a great trip to Canada and loves Fanny more than ever. They are going to get married in August. I'm trying not to hate them. Seriously, I am very happy for them and for Christopher and Heather but since I am selfish it makes me very jealous. But I shouldn't care because Jes and I are going to be cat ladies together, like in the Simpsons. But my mom said that she was going to live in between us and we could take turns taking care of her. So I think a good plan is for Jes and I to alternate days or weeks, one of us caring for my mother while the other stands in the front yard, screaming jibberish, and throwing cats at people. That sounds much easier than putting up with a male.
Last Sunday night my grandpa died. He's been pretty sick for about two years, from the time he had a stroke. He got pnemonia (sp?) and didn't recover. I didn't go to the funeral for a number of reasons. One, I had no relationship with him. The last time I saw him, other than the time he had the stroke, was in high school and I don't remember that visit at all. So the last time I remember visiting with him and my grandma, I was probably in elementary school. Two, my dad did not go to the funeral. He and Jenni had an anniversary trip to Canada planned and their plane left the same day as the funeral. Three, the family dynamic is very tense to begin with and would probably be much more tense because my father was not going and I am not emotionally capapble of dealing with that much stress right now. My mom had offered to pay for me to go and even to go with me if my brothers weren't going. But I felt weird about going in the first place and would have felt even weirder if my mom had paid. She did buy a very nice floral spray with a Grandpa ribbon on it for us. She's so great.
My mom was here over our four day Easter weekend. Friday night my mom, Kathy, and I went out salsa dancing in Austin. We left around nine and it took us until 12:30 to find the club we had originally set out for. But in that time frame we had fun walking up and down sixth street getting a few drinks and trying to find other places to salsa dance. I love Kathy and I love my mom. I can't think of two more wonderful women to spend the evening with. I don't know what I would do without them. We got in at three in the morning so Saturday we slept late and were lazy. Sunday after church my mom, Daniel, Sean, Kathy, Liam, Maggie, and I all went and ate at Los Cucos, a new mexican resturant here in town. I invited Dan but he was asleep. Since I am so wonderful I took him my leftovers. The food was wonderful but I ate way too much. And for the previous 24 hours I had been eating from a new diet, eating according to your blood type. Most of the food I ate on Sunday was not on the list for A blood type. It was a bunch of dairy, carbs, and high acid food like tomato and peppers. I felt kind of queasy during the afternoon but my stomach calmed down after I ate leftover sesame chicken and steamed vegetables. It also could have been since I ate so much at once that my blood sugar shot up and then plummetted. Either way, I'd eat there again, just with a little more moderation.
Another bit of news, I go to the doctor tomorrow about my depression. This is on my mother's advice and the encouragement of Kathy, Jes, and a few other friends. It's just been steadly getting worse since December. Right now I just want to drop out of school. I having trouble doing anything productive which if that doesn't change will make a successful semester difficult to accomplish. I must admit I'm a little afraid of going on medicine. I know it's not supposed to be strong enough to alter your personality, but I'm afraid that it will. Anyway, I'm trying to go through with my school plans as scheduled and not make any major decisions until I'm a bit more rational. If I register now for summer and fall, I can always withdraw if I choose to, but if I don't register and then change my mind, I'm pretty well fucked. So I'm trying to just think about the next week and not much further than that because then I start to freak out.
And last but not least, the date of my guys moving has been pushed back. My brother isn't moving to Canada until June instead of the middle of May. This is basically just for finacial reasons. Dan isn't moving to North Carolina until May. His friend that he's moving out there with screwed him over so it's going to be a little while until he can fix his car. I don't know if he'll still move out there but I know he doesn't want to stay in San Marcos so he'll probably be moving somewhere.
Well, this is getting fairly lengthy and that's the majority of what's been going on in the last couple of weeks.

pinpointed

This week is my spring break. I haven't done a damn thing. Friday through Tuesday I spent 90% of my time with Dan. His friend got a job in Charolotte so he's in the process of fixing his car so he can move there. Wednesday I went to Abilene, which is where I am currently. I've just been hanging out with my younger brother, his fiancee, my mom, and my dad and his wife. Heather and I went around today looking for ideas for stuff for her and Christophers wedding. On the drive up here I was listening to music and had an epiphany about the way I've been feeling lately. I can describe it in one sentence. I feel like something in my has burned out. I don't think died is an appropriate comparison because I feel like my old self is still in there somewhere. But as far as my hopes, dreams, goals, drive, and ambition go, they have all fizzled out for now. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to finish school. I don't even want to go back on Monday. I know, I just have senior-itis. This is much worse. I am totally unmotivated. Kids have been getting on my nerves. I can't think of lessons and I don't care enough to think about it before the last minute. I certainly am not ready to have a classroom full of kids this time next year so even as much as I hate school, the plan is to continue with my Master's degree as soon as I graduate in December.
Even though my job now is a million times better than my previous job, I certainly don't want to go back to it on Monday. Part of this has to do with the fact that kids are getting on my nerves. How hard is it to face foward and act like a human being for an hour on the bus. It shouldn't be that hard. Maybe I should just drive and let them kill each other back there. Survival of the fittest.
And since kids are getting on my nerves I certainly haven't been having any fantasies about being a mom lately. I watch my friend Kathy with her four kids (she's married to a wonderful man and they have a stable, Christian home) and I just cringe. I don't want to put up with all the nonsense that kids inevitably bring. And a co-worker of mine had a kid not to long ago and she told me not to have kids. She loves her daughter completely, but it changes your life forever and she wasn't quite ready for it.
And I certainly don't want any responsibility at church. I don't feel like I belong there. I don't feel like I can be myself. One Friday a month there is a 'lady's night' at one of the women's houses. I've never been because I used to work on Friday nights so that worked as a great excuse. Last month Kathy, Sarah, and I opted to go see a play in Austin and then go to the Elephant Room to drink beer and listen to great jazz music. I didn't want to go to the lady's night because I feel like I have to put up a front, and that's not a relaxing or fun way to spend an evening. I smoke, I cuss, I drink, I gossip, I get depressed, I'm a bitch, I have tattoos, I have sex, and I have some serious doubts about where I fit into the whole Christian thing. And I don't feel like I can be those things around most people at church. I already feel bad enough that I do all these 'bad' things and I teach Sunday School. I don't even feel like I should be at church. A couple of Sunday's ago I was sitting in church during the sermon and I could just feel the wall go up around me. I just didn't want to hear it. But part of not being able to be myself
and not wanting to let down the people I care about is why I keep going to church and teaching Sunday School. Sometimes I feel like if I just hold up the facade long enough I'll start to believe it.
So basically I'm depressed. You know those commercials with the bouncing smiley head/ball thing that ask 'Do you no longer enjoy things you once did?' Well, that's me.
I really don't want Dan to move. Even though he's certainly not open about his feelings and there are times I feel like he's virtually a stranger, I love him and I really enjoy his company.
Well, I could probably go on ad nauseum about all this, but I need to try to get some sleep. I have to go observe an inclusion class in the morning. Yeah...kids.