certainty

I went by the tattoo shop today because I was bored and I wanted to see when Eric was going to in from New Orleans. Granted I don't have money for more tattoos but I thought I could catch up and run some of my ideas past him. I ended up staying for about an hour and a half talking to Socks, one of the other artists there. When I talk with Eric and Socks I get such of a feeling of certainty from them. Neither of them believe in God, as a result of their own personal searches, and they seem to be very secure in what they believe. I can't remember the last time I was secure in what I believe, what I think, or even who I am. What brings this about? Many times I want to feel that certain about my life, even if it's a false sense of certainty. I can't stand feeling the way I do. Not knowing who I am, daily questioning what I believe or think I might believe, not being sure of much of anything any more. Eric and Socks both love their jobs, know what they think, don't give a shit what others think about them, and enjoy being on the 'fringe' of society. Sometimes I feel like I have dueling personalities because part of me enjoys not fitting in with the status quo. I would like to have the freedom to have tattoos where ever I want, have piercings if I wanted to, color my hair, swear, basically feel that I can be myself. But yet I'm choosing a career where I'm supposed to put forth the image of the social norm. Teachers are supposed to be role models which means, for some reason, that you can't have visible tattoos, etc, etc. I'm having doubts about teaching. I know I'm good at it and I enjoy it most of the time, but I don't want to do it right now. I want to do something different. That's a huge reason behind why I'm going to do my graduate work in Ireland. I'm not really sure what I want. This is all probably just rambling. But anytime I go to the tattoo shop I leave with something to think about. That's probably a good thing.