I've been thinking about some things lately. It's only been two months since Dan moved but I'm having a hard time being by myself. And I know it would be unhealthy for me to be in a relationships and I wouldn't be any happier, but I would have a distraction from working on my own problems. Here are somethings I've realized as a result of some conversations with people I trust and people who have been through similar life situations as I have.
-I create crisis for myself. I have a hard time being satisfied when things are going well so I freak out.
-Being with someone and being more concerned about them instead of myself is familiar so it is more comfortable than trying to deal with my shit.
-Since I have been in one serious relationship or another since I was 16, I don't know how to feel without responding to someone else. It sounds silly, but sometimes I just don't know how to feel because I don't have someone else to react to. You would think it wouldn't be that hard to know your own feelings, but it is.
-My 'inner child' (it sounds cheesy I know, but a person who I respect has suggested that I think about this) has some kind of fear about being alone and that is why I need to have someone around me, even if it's just a warm body.
-I think my anxiety and dislike of people (crowds, not individuals) has something to do with my depression and my inner child.
-Even though I have a crush on someone, I know it would be a really bad idea to pursue that person and I need to be able to articulate that in case this person, or anybody for that matter, expresses interest in me.
-I do not need to go to New York to visit Dan this summer.
-I am ok with the fact that I don't want to teach right now. I have the rest of my life to teach, just like I have the rest of my life to get married, I don't need to rush into it now just because that's what most people my age are doing.
-I'm focusing on one day at a time. Sometimes thinking about a week in the future is overwhelming, so I'm only going to concentrate on what I have to.
-I can't wait to go to Ireland, and if I still don't want to teach when I'm through with my Master's degree, I'll find different intersting jobs to do until I'm ready. If that's 15 years from now, that's fine. It's my life and I have to do what works for me.
-I've become ok with the fact that I can't sit through church right now. I've sat through two home groups and not been depressed to that's a major improvement.
-I have a lot of freedom right now and I'm trying to be content, if not joyful, so that I can enjoy this time period in my life.
-I'm going to get more tattoo in August and I'm so excited.
Well, I've had all these things rolling around in my head and just needed to get them out into a more concrete form so I can think about them in a more orderly fashion.
2 comments:
Well done young one! Now here comes the hard part, having as much faith in yourself as I do. There is an old spanish saying when translated goes, "Open your eyes...Grit your teeth...And move forward". There will be times that you will succeed, and times that you will fail, but mostly I have faith that you will move forward. I don't know what it is but, there is something special about you that draws people around you who truely care. I only know about the people in your life through our conversations, but I suspect that the G-word has sent them to you to fill your need. Just as He has sent you.
Thanks for your insight, Christina. I know that it's hard being alone (OH LORD do I know), but I think you know it's for the best, and as time goes by, you'll get used to it, and thank yourself for it. About teaching: There's nothing wrong with wanting to delay teaching. In my opinion, not being ready to begin your 'trade' is something totally different from being lazy or reluctant to grow up. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that your decision is more grown-up than someone who just dives in, knowing they're not ready. Keep standing up for what you know is right. Follow Biblical principles for how to live your life, and let God take care of the rest. I love ya and I miss ya. I hope to see you soon!
Post a Comment